Page 72 of Wants and Needs
“One of the things I’ve thought about since... that night, is that maybe you kissed me because of all the emotions at the ball, you know? Maybe it was just because of the adrenaline of trying to get Mrs. Blackwell to become an investor, and all the acting in front of that royal dick, Dirk. I think it might just have been because of all that and not because you actuallywantme.”
I feel like he’s inferring something there I’m not catching, but I do follow his thought process and I understand why he’s scared.
So I guess before we can get over all of this, there’s more embarrassment waiting to happen...
If Carter doesn’t think my feelings are real after I do this, then I don’t know what will convince him.
17CARTER
I can almost seeLiam processing everything I just said on his face.
Though he’s almost always frowning, his face is incredibly expressive.
And what a face it is.
The past few days I’ve forced myself to think about him as someone I’m attracted to. Realizing how handsome Liam is has been only one of the results I’ve encountered, and the rest of the results of those little experiments can’t really be refuted, but this last kiss experiment is still necessary.
“I understand what you mean, but why did you say it like that?” he asks softly. “Wantme?”
I swallow hard as the nerves that were gripping me before I knocked on the door come back with a vengeance.
“Well,” I start out, and it’s a weak start for sure. “I just thinkyou would have your choice of partners, and I’m this... mess.” I shout the last word and gesture at myself.
“Why are you a mess? How are you a mess?” he amends.
“I work for my friends,” I explain with an eye roll. “I have no home that’s truly mine, no family, I barely remember to eat lunch, and I honestly can’t remember how I survived before Milton moved here.”
Listing all my undesirable attributes isn’t a hardship. I have the list at the forefront of my thoughts most days.
“The only thing that sounds logical from everything you just said is the not remembering to eat part,” Liam counters. “That’s not a healthy way to live, but I think your friends employ you because they respect and admire you. That’s the case with me and Parker and William at least. I think the brownstone is your home and you certainly looked comfortable while we were there, and in any case I believe you could very well move if you wanted to, right?”
“Right,” I whisper, reeling at how succinctly he dismantled my beliefs about myself. Except for the one thing I didn’t tell him of course. That can wait... a few years.
“In any case, you told me you see a therapist weekly, didn’t you? You’re working on improving yourself, and you care about your health enough to be in shape.” Now he’s the one gesturing to my body.
“I go to the gym to turn off my thoughts,” I mumble weakly.
“That still counts as self-care,” he points out.
“I guess.”
“And lastly, what I’m thinking right now is that the only reason you want me to kiss you again is because you pity me.”
“What?” I demand. “That’s not what’s happening at all,” I stress.
“Just like what happened Monday night after the ball wasn’t a result of our interaction with Dirk or the pitch to Mrs. Blackwell,” he points out.
Damn he’s smart.
But he’s not going to distract me from the biggest issue here.
“And I’m not asking you to kiss me because I pity you. If anything I’m asking you to take pity onme,” I cry out. “You’re this amazingly clever man who knows exactly who he is. You’re brilliant and handsome and kind and a bloody good friend. There isn’t anything about youtopity, Liam. Well, maybe your taste in men, since... well, you know.”
“I do know,” he agrees. “I’ve matured and so have my tastes,” he defends, and I can’t say anything to that.
“Yeah, okay, but I still need to know if there’s this part of me I’ve been ignoring all my life. Or maybe it’s just with you? How am I supposed to know? I’ve never gotten hard because of a man before, but in the last few days I’ve seen plenty of naked men and believe me, there’s been a reaction each time. Then I started thinking about you, and kissing you, and... more.”
I’m well aware I sound hysterical right now, and that’s probably not the way to go about this, but I can’t stop either way.
