Page 154 of Tangled Hearts
Noir blinked looking like she was in the twilight zone.
He studied her face. Her skin was dull, her lips were dry, and there was pain sitting in every inch of her body. But she was still fine as hell. Still Noir. And it still fucked with him how much he loved her.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever love like that again,” she whispered, her eyes staring at the wall. “That love felt like I had a bag on my head when it started to hurt.”
“You will.” Cash clasped his hands in front of him. “Different doesn’t mean less.” He didn’t sugarcoat it. Didn’t preach either. He just looked at her like he’d been looking at her since they were kids.
“I started it so full, I left it feeling empty.” Noir grabbed her belly as it twisted into knots. “Now, I feel numb… regret.. anger… but love is still here too.” She finally looked at him. “Love that feels good and bad, Cash… when love started feeling like that?”
“You got a big-ass heart, Noir. Always have. Even when you try to act cold. You just gotta grieve the part of yourself that loved that man through his worst.”
She swallowed. “What if I already love you, too though? Your love feels so good.” She blinked a tear. Her voice breaking on the wordlove.
Cash looked at the picture of Noir and Christian on the nightstand. He reached out, grabbing it to examine her smile.
“Like, really love you,” she added, eyes begging him to make sense of the chaos in her chest the confusion in her head. “I know it’s wrong. I know it’s too soon. But I can’t lie. I feel in love with Christian but I’ve always loved you.”
He rubbed the side of his jaw and exhaled slow. “I know.”
Noir looked at him, confused.
“I know you love me,” he said again with a ghost of a smile on his boyish face. “Always felt it. Even when you covered it in smart words and stank ass attitude. I used to see your eyes open wide every time I called you pretty girl… the private moments when we used to chill on your porch cause Ms. Nakorea wasn’t going for more than that,” He chuckled. “I could see jealousy in your eyes when another girl would flirt with me and I’d flirt back because I was a young nigga looking for love between girl’s legs. Even when you ghosted me ‘cause I was taking my career to the next level…”
Tears filled her eyes. She didn’t stop them.
“You feel guilty, right?” Cash leaned closer. “Feel like you don’t deserve to move on, to be touched, to smile. Feel like you disrespecting him by still being alive.”
Noir nodded, her chest trembling.
“Let me be clear with you, pretty girl.” Cash sighed. “You don’t owe that man your whole life just ‘cause he died. That ain’t love. That’s guilt. And you been punishing yourself enough.”
“You’re so perfect… that’s why I always ghosted you. I’m a flight type of girl, I won’t let you make mistakes and forgive you for them. I didn’t want to taint what I felt for you because I knew you’d get money and pussy would fly off the shelves.” She found a place to smile. “A piece of me always felt like Christian would break my heart but then he loved me… he made me think his eyes only saw me… his dick only got hard for me.” She stared off. “So, when he had a baby with a woman who wasn’t me, I crashed into your arms and you ain’t deserve that either. But make no mistakes, Cash, you’re not a rebound. You’re not getting chose because I can’t have him. And maybe our love never would’ve became tangible had Christian not did the unforgiveable… just know you’d been in my heart. Always.” Her breathing got heavier.
“I know I ain’t no fuckin’ rebound,” Cash smiled, pushing his hair out his face. “I appreciate you for loving me enough to still want to see me thriving and successful.”
“You really not mad at me?”
“I was. A little,” he admitted. “Back when you used to leave me on read, when I knew you was with him. I was tight. But I’m a grown-ass man. My love for you don’t go away just ‘cause I ain’t get picked first.”
Noir’s lip quivered as she climbed into his lap. She looked at him like she was about to fall apart. “I think I’m damaged goods.”
Cash’s thumb flicked across her lips as he stared into her eyes. “That mean I get a little discount?”
She popped his chest. “Stop playing with me.”
“You said the shit, I’m just tryna see.” He laughed, before getting serious again. “I want you, but I don’t want the version of you, you think you’re supposed to be.”
“What if I still cry for him?”
“Shit, you better… the way you had me on the outside looking in, you better have had some real feelings for him.”
Her legs wrapped around his waist. Her arms around his shoulders. Her face tucked in his neck.
Cash gripped her ass. Not in a sexual way, he just needed to always touch her.
“I can’t breathe without feeling him,” she cried. “But I still want you.”
“I know,” he whispered into her hair. “And you ain’t wrong for that.”
