Page 125 of Tangled Hearts
Nick’s body deflated.
“I also didn’t want him to leave me because I didn’t want to be alone either… so I helped him so his presence could help me.”
Simone sat up, hoping her emotions weren’t showing on her face. Her job was to be unbiased but dealing with people like Knycole, it was hard. She was human.
“I’m sorry, Knyc,” Nick said. “I know I messed you up but I’m trying to do better.”
“I loved two boys. At the same damn time,” she choked, pressing her hands into her lap. “Because I didn’t wanna choose. I was scared if I picked wrong, I’d lose everything. Scared they’d leave like you. So I held ‘em both. One was my protector. The other was my mirror. And I was selfish. I admit it.”
Nick whispered, “you were surviving.”
“I was copying you,” she shot back. “You taught me how to chase a high. How to get numb. You did it with drugs. I did it with love. You passed me your pain and called it parenting.”
Nick’s tears broke. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know I was doin’ that to you.”
Knycole didn’t soften. “I know now why I kept running. Why I never let nobody be enough. Because I never felt likeIwas enough. Not to you. Not to Mama. Not even to myself. I had to forgive you. I had to, Nick. ‘Cause if I didn’t, I was gon’ keep breaking every man who tried to love me.”
Simone leaned forward. “What are you hoping to do with that clarity, Knycole?”
She sniffed. “I wanna stop bleeding on people who didn’t cut me. I wanna love better. But most of all… I wanna learn how to let somebody love me without tryin’ to control it.”
Nick nodded, barely holding himself together.
“I watch Hov love me,” she added. “Not the version of me that’s polished. Not the hood’s good girl. The me that’s raw. The me that doesn’t always know how to respond. He loves that version of me. And it’s terrifying.”
Simone smiled softly. “Because it’s unfamiliar?”
“Because it’s real and safe,” she said. “And I’m not used to safety. I’m used to bracing for impact.”
She wiped her face. “But I don’t wanna be that girl anymore. I don’t want Qua to grow up watching his mama crumble in relationships ‘cause she’s never healed her daddy issues.”
Nick reached for a tissue, but it shook in his hand. “I don’t want that either.”
“I was never the strong one,” she said. “I just looked like it. I was a needy little girl tryna carry a daddy who left her. And now I’m a woman tryna unlearn all the things she taught herself just to survive.”
Simone sat back, smiling.
Knycole turned to Nick. “I forgive you. I do. But I need you to show up for me. Not just in here. In real life. I want the world to know I have a daddy.”
Nick agreed. “You got one. I swear to God, you do.”
Knycole looked at Simone. “I’m not done healing. I don’t think I’ll ever be. But I want peace. Ugh, I want peace so bad.”
Simone’s voice was smooth. “You’re creating it. Every time you tell the truth, you create it.”
Knycole smiled through wet eyes. “Hov gon’ get a new version of me. The real one. Not the one who ran. Not the one who loved out of fear. But the one who knows what it costs to stay… and still chooses to.”
Nick whispered, “that’s my girl.”
She nodded, smiling. “Yea… I finally believe that…. We better now. You’ve been showing up. You call me just to hear my voice. You check in, not ‘cause you feel guilty, but because you care now.”
Nick watched her, lips pressed tight, his hand landed on his chest.
“I can lean on you. For the first time in my life, I know if I fall apart, you not gon’ run from it. You gon’ hold me together ‘til I can do it myself.”
Nick wiped under his eye with a single finger. “I mean that, Knyc. I ain’t ever leaving’ you again.”
“I know. I believe you now. And I love you for trying—for keeping your word. We’ve never had that before.”
