Page 124 of Tangled Hearts
Nick nodded once, his jaw clenched tight.
Knycole took the far end of the couch. Left space between them like they still didn’t know how to share a room. That space held years of all the things they hadn’t said out loud.
Simone eased into her seat, pen already moving. “I’m proud of both of y’all for being here. This isn’t easy.”
Nick blew out slowly through his nose. “She asked me to come. I wasn’t gon’ tell her no.”
Knycole didn’t look at him.
Couldn’t face him knowing this might send him back spiraling to drugs. She knew this moment was heavy but needed to happen. She’d forgiven Nick—didn’t forget though.
Simone leaned in. “So let’s start right there. Nick, when your daughter asked you to show up, what went through your mind?”
Nick scratched his jaw. “That maybe I still had shit to fix.”
Her eyes moved but her face stayed blank.
Simone looked over at her. “Knycole, what did you hope this session would give you?”
Knycole tugged her sleeve tighter. “I wanted to say things without yelling. I wanted to ask him shit I ain’t never had the guts to ask before.”
“Then let’s create space for that. Nick, you okay with your daughter asking you what’s on her heart?”
He nodded, crossing his legs at the ankles. “I’m here for that.”
Knycole stared down at her fingers. Then her voice cracked through the quiet. “Why wasn’t I enough for you to stop?”
Nick closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them, they were wet but steady. “I don’t have a good answer for that.”
“That’s not fair,” she whispered. “You could’ve been anything. A daddy who showed up. Who didn’t nod off on the couch while I begged you to pick me up from school. Who ain’t get high in the bathroom with the door half closed. You could’ve tried.”
“I did try, Knyc.”
“No you didn’t.” Her voice boomed. “You stopped when it was easy. You got clean when I ain’t need you no more. When I stopped askin’. When I gave up on even hopin’ you’d change. That’s when you finally got it together.”
Nick leaned forward, elbows to knees. “I didn’t know how to be a good daddy. I ain’t have one either. And by the time I realized I was drowning you too, I ain’t know how to climb out.”
“I didn’t have a mama.” Her eyes glistened. “The least you could’ve done was give me more… love me better.”
He blinked fast, breath shaky. “I’m sorry, baby.” He cried. “I know that shit can’t change what I took you through but on everything I love, I’ll lay down and die if it means I could erase all those hard days.”
Knycole snorted. “That shit sounds selfish because then you’d leave me alone… again.”
Simone sat up, eyes bright and wide. “What did you just say, Knycole? I think there’s something in that.”
Knycole pushed her tongue into the side of her mouth. “I see where I get it from?”
“Yep,” Simone smiled sitting back again. “What does that mean? Tell Nick how you’ve been carrying love the same way he carried love.”
Knycole sighed and finally met her daddy’s eyes. “I try to control the outcome of love afraid it might show up the way your love showed up... reckless, selfish, and flawed.”
Nick opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
She wiped her eyes with her wrist, more annoyed than fragile like she didn’t want to give the tears that much power. “I used to lay in that bed and pray somebody would come get me. I used to make up stories about why you were gone. Told myself you was working. Told myself you’d come back with food. But you was in the next room… high as hell. Slumped while I cried in the dark.”
“I know?—”
“No you don’t!” Knycole snapped. “You don’t know what it’s like to be a child stealing noodles from the corner store just to feed somebody else’s son ‘cause his mama disappeared like my daddy and he didn’t have a daddy like I didn’t have a mama. Youdon’t know what it’s like to hide a boy in your room just so he don’t sleep outside. I was a little girl tryna be a mama to broken boys ‘cause my own daddy wasn’t shit. And…” she sucked in the deep wail bubbling in the pit of her belly. “I didn’t want him to be like you… alive but dead to the streets.”
