Page 66 of Falling Backwards
Still, the more distance I put between me and Kyle, the more my brain is freed up for frustration.Guilt too.
This…isn’t fair.
It’s unfair that someone can make me too afraid to see to my responsibilities and to follow my interests.
After Luke and Paxton left us girls at home last night, I took the advice to call the police and ask for guidance.The officer recorded notes on my concerns about Kyle Danfords, but his information mimicked what we all read online.He said not to engage with Kyle.He recommended buying pepper spray or some other easy-to-access weapon, as well as doing my best to always be around someone who can help me if needed.He said to keep a log of incidents and encounters, make my friends and relatives aware so they know who to look out for, and call the police for real if Kyle gets more threatening.
I generally like being prepared, having instructions to follow, knowing what to do and not do, knowing what’s expected of me.But right now I feel weak, helpless, and ill-equipped.
The world is full of hiding places for frightening things, and I’m one Maggie who can’t keep an eye on all of them.
And truly, my day wasn’t awful before this.I was doing decently—not completely relaxed, but not stiff and on-edge.My mood had improved after waking in the night from that dream; between my friends’ support, getting better rest, and remembering how to handle things, I loosened up enough to go about my day pretty much as usual.
Now I’m shaken and feeling stupid for going to the store alone.
By the time I’m back home, I’m just about quaking.
I sit on the couch, then stand and pace for five seconds, then sit again.I message my friends, get up and peek out the windows for unusual cars or Kyle, pace some more.Turn the TV on so I can exercise, then turn it back off because I’m too worked up, then turn it back on because I feel like I have to do something with all this worried energy inside me.
In my room, my thoughts are a flurry while I change into the best exercise clothes I have.
It’s okay.I’m okay here.It’s just me.Kyle didn’t follow me home.He doesn’t know where I live.
I don’t think.
What if he does?
No, I can’t go there.I don’t even have a solid reason to suspect that.
But I also didn’t have a reason to think he’d be at that grocery store when we have so many others he could’ve gone to, or that he’d wait outside for me to get off work the other night, or that he’d secretly plan to go to the bar when I—
A knock at the front door tears a jagged gasp from me.
Time grinds to a stop.
Just like that, I’m terrified.
Just like last night in bed, I’m frozen.
I stand in the middle of my bedroom, my hands having paused pulling my capri leggings on, my gaze aimed in the direction of the living area.
I feel like I can’t breathe from my rising panic, feel ice-cold and burning hot at the same time.
It’s not him.It can’t be him.It wouldn’t be.
Except I don’t know that for sure.
The police—I need to call the police if it is him, which means I need to look out the peephole.
I’m scared to move.
But it’s important that I call for help if Kyle is at my home.No, it’s not just important, it’s amust.It’s non-negotiable.
Another knock comes, startling me all over again.
I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared.
I should’ve gone somewhere public after all.
