Page 67 of Falling Backwards
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes.
There’s no time for‘should’ve.’I gotta get to the peephole.One, two, three, go.
I jerk my leggings the rest of the way on, adjust my loose tank top, and make my feet carry me to the front door as quietly as possible.Hoping I’m not radiating distress that could be noticed even through a door, I hold my breath and go on my tiptoes and look out the—
“Oh my God,” I burst out at full volume.As I clap a hand over my mouth, it feels like my heart is going to explode from my chest.
Then a quick second passes and I’ve got the door unlocked and opened, and Luke is in full view.
“Oh myGod,” I repeat, so overwhelmingly relieved that I could fully cry.“It’s just you!”
He runs one, two, three looks over me.“Yeah, it’s me.I’m glad you’re home.Can I come in?I gotta talk to you.”
His tense and unsteady tone registers with me, and my chaotic brain notices how he looks.He stands with tightly crossed arms and a jittery leg.His hair looks like his hands have been through it more than once.Those blue eyes are tired and wild at the same time.
Top to bottom, he matches how I feel.
Part of me wants the explanation for his visit right this second because Luke Bramhill doesn’t just drop by my home and get welcomed in.But with my current mood on top of last night?God knows I’m happier to see him than I am annoyed.
I step back to let him through the doorway.I start to ask him to check that Kyle isn’t out in the hall somehow, but he glances around all by himself.That watchful look is familiar from when our group left Merritt’s; I’m that much more relieved to know he’s still on guard.
He comes into the apartment, which means no one worrisome is around.
Nevertheless, I’m glad to get the door shut and locked again.
“Did you think I was Kyle?”he asks, sounding concerned.
I turn to look at him.There’s a frown on his face, furthering the discontentment about him.
There’s no way I can lie.“I was terrified you were.I’m—I’m fresh off of seeing him at the grocery store.It didn’t seem like he saw me, too, but I freaked out so badly that I stopped shopping and just left my basket and hurried out of there.He did start walking to the front after I did, though, and he was looking around, but not atstuff,so I don’t….”My hands are going clammy at my thinking about it, so I rub them on the sides of my tank top.“I made sure he wasn’t following me after that, but it only happened, like, twenty minutes ago and I’m here alone and it’s so easy to worry, especially after my dream last night—I had a nightmare about him—and so when someone knocked on the door, I…um….”
As I try to catch my breath, I realize I sound insane.
It leaves me in a whisper: “I sound insane.”
Luke’s dark semi-curls are so mussed that they’ve lost their style.Some of them are hanging over one side of his forehead, and they brush back and forth there when he shakes his head, begging to be pushed away from his eyebrow.
He doesn’t do it.He just looks at me—right at me, right in the eyes.For all the world, it feels like I’m the only thing on his mind.The only thing he cares about.
When was the last time he looked…?
Eight years ago,my heart reminds me.
New pressure fills my chest.There’s old sorrow, betrayal, bitterness, but there’s also the safety I felt with him just last night—I’d been so thankful for it.I outright missed it when I woke from my nightmare in a panic.Now he’s here and the feeling of safety has come back; it’s such a relief for him not to be a threat even if he isLuke.
God, this is all so much to deal with.
The stress of Kyle at one turn, the dichotomy of Luke at the other.
“Would you have felt better if I was there?”he asks.
Tense, unsteady words paired with a frown and crossed arms and a jittery leg.
“At the store,” he clarifies.“Even in the parking lot at work.If I’d been with you, would you have felt better somehow?”
The questions surprise me.I don’t know why he’s asking them, but he’s right on target; I’djustbeen thinking about the sense of security he apparently brings me.
Indeed, his questions hypothetically comfort me, too, because I can easily imagine how differently his scenarios would’ve played out.Seeing Kyle would’ve upset and unnerved me, but Luke’s presence would’ve been like armor.It would’ve made me feel like I wasn’t truly vulnerable.
