Page 28 of Falling Backwards
The memory of the new girl flashes through my mind—the sleek lines of her body in that dress, the way her shape matched his, the PDA he stamped on her at their table.And actually, at the time, I didn’t think about how gracefully strong she was, but I think about it now because I know my ass would have done way more jiggling than hers did if anyone smacked it like that.Would have made other parts of me jiggle too.
I bet she wears loose shirts and chunky sweaters for their style, not because she’s self-conscious.Bet she never has to cross her fingers that a piece of clothing she loves will love her back.Bet she never has to craft her outfits around what will accent the shape of her body cutely and comfortably at the same time; without a doubt, she’s cute and comfortable no matter what.
I turn to the side, lift up my shirt, and look at my midsection in the mirror.Then I face forwards again to look at it straight on.Yeah, I’m not toned and tight like she is.My shape is hourglass-ish, but my eyes don’t see it in a feminine daydream sort of way.They see pounds that weren’t always there and spots that look squishy.
Even though it would be a lie to say I never feel pretty or put-together, this is one of those times when it wouldn’t be a lie at all.
Disenchanted, I tug my shirt back down into place and finally finish eating my carrot.
I don’t look or feel my best.
I wish it weren’t so.Wish I didn’t feel weighed down, down, down for long moments that make me want to abandon my snack plate even though it doesn’t have junk food on it.
Now that I think about it, I probably did pick up some of these pounds after Marcus and I got together.Our relationship had seemed relaxed, and he brought me into his habit of dining out at places like Lucent, and we liked to take it easy together in our free time….
I don’t even remember the last compliment he gave me.Conversely, I remember he hadn’t been interested in sleeping with me for almost a month before he broke up with me.
That hadn’t felt good then, and it doesn’t feel good now.
“Shit,” I mumble as the sting of building tears hits my eyes.I blink hard, rub at them with the heel of one hand, then sniffle.“Get it together, Maggie.”
But how?How do I not feel unhappy about all this?
Shortly, my brain registers the song that’s now playing from the other room.It’s “Sorry Not Sorry” and it makes me think of a funny dance-type exercise video I saw on YouTube one day.
And an idea comes blinking through my sharp dissatisfaction with myself.
“Huh,” I mumble.
Despite my love for music and random boogying, I won’t kid myself into thinking I’d be a good dancer…but maybe I could start trying to exercise in some other way.Maybe Joy and Emma would even join me and make it less dreadful.
I don’t think I’ve ever given exercise a fair try, but I have a feeling it would bedreadful.
The way I feel about myself right now is dreadful, too, though.And it isn’t new.I haven’t been truly comfortable with my body in quite a while.I just never made myself look at that discomfort for very long.
Thanks,I think dully to Marcus.To Luke as well, I guess.
Exercise.
Ugh.
It seems like such a daunting thing.Would I have to spend money on a gym membership and commit long hours to a treadmill in front of other people?Start counting calories and never eat eggs Benedict again?Spend even more money on one of those watches that track your workouts or whatever?Would I have to exercise every single day?What about when I don’t feel well?What if I hurt myself?Or do it wrong?Or make progress only to undo it over some holiday or other and then I’m back to square one and—?
Already feeling overwhelmed, I close my eyes and measure out my breathing.
I need to relax a little bit.
Surely plenty of people have felt just like I feel now and still found somewhere to start.Icould do some research and find a place to start.And surely not everyone’s exercise plan is super tough and expensive and showy; not everyone can make that happen, physically or financially or otherwise.
Yeah.Surely.
Relax, girl.
Besides, I don’t want to spend any more of my day in a bad mood.I want to get back to the mood I was in when Shawn Mendes and my snack were the center of my world.
So I look at my reflection again and I nod.
“It’s okay if Marcus doesn’t love you,” I tell her softly.“It’s okay if Luke doesn’t think you’re beautiful.Youcan love you and think you’re beautiful.”
