Page 29 of Falling Backwards
An empty sort of feeling twinges in me, though.
And I suddenly remember the guy from Mellow Burger.He called me pretty earlier.An involuntary shudder ripples through me.I don’t know why, but recalling his interest doesn’t make me feel any better about myself.It just makes me feel…well, shuddery.
I blow a raspberry and shake off that lingering chill and the unhappiness I was feeling before.
Why should I care what Luke thinks of my looks anyway?He’s Luke.I’m sure he doesn’t care whatIthink ofhislooks.We don’t wake up every day and think about how to impress each other.
I nod at my reflection again.
…Stubborn-ass Luke, though.I’d say I can’t believe he was more pissed off at me than at Ronald, but I kind of can believe it.
Shaking my head now, I turn away from the mirror, pick up a wedge of orange from my plate, and resolve to embrace my evening.
L U K E
I actually haven’t figured out how to spend my evening yet.After I clocked out, I came home, sank down onto the couch, and decided to rest for a little bit while some activity or another came to mind.
Small though my apartment is, it’s clean and in a relatively quiet location.Sometimes the place feels lonely and sometimes it feels confining, but on evenings like this one, I’m glad it is what it is.Even though I got better sleep last night than the one before, I realized I was tired as soon as I sat down, and this space I call mine instantly offered comfort.I was once again glad my neighbors aren’t usually a hassle, because my thoughts were loud enough already and I didn’t want extra noise closing in on me; that would’ve set me up for a headache.
I haven’t even bothered turning the TV on.For some time now, I’ve simply had my eyes closed and my head dropped back against the cushions.
But more and more over the last few minutes, I’ve felt like the possibility of rest has been slipping away.
Those loud thoughts seem hellbent on sticking around.They keep summoning flashes of family drama, replaying snippets of snappy chatter from my day, bringing back glares, threatening to set my aggravation into full motion again.Just moments ago, I caught myself clenching my jaw and had to actively relax it—and now I’m noticing my fists are clenched too.
After I loosen them and shake my hands out, I sigh.
Relax,I tell myself.You deleted your dad’s message about the reunion, and you’re off work now, and it’s Saturday.This is easy time.No need to be all tense and worked up.
Except the things that keep circling in my mind don’t only involve my dad and work.
No, his message wasn’t welcome, but I handled it the way that felt best to me.And while standing on my feet for hours is never really easy, I’m plenty used to it.My shift today wasn’t the worst either, not counting how Ronald acted at the end.
It’s just….
Her.It’s her and the past.
These words in my head aren’t of a calming tone like the others.They’re bitter.
Beneath that, they’re…other things.They’re ashamed and….
Yeah, the past is to blame for how I feel right now.Recalling it is distressing and overwhelming and confusing.Noisy and exhausting.
I wanted to forget about Maggie after our argument in the breakroom, but just like in real life, she won’t leave me alone.
I keep remembering how sweetly she looked at me so long ago after our first kiss, which washerfirst kiss ever, and I feel echoes of the true affection we had for each other—until I recall how it ended and then how she glowered at me today when she caught me checking her out.Thinking about her angry jab at my chest makesmeangry again until that turns into thinking about how much I used to like holding her hand, which was smaller than mine and yet still such a good match for it.And those years-old memories glow with laughter and warmth and trust and feelings I didn’t know I was capable of, until it all bleeds into her derisive question from the hostess stand:‘Oh, can I trust you?’
My heart painfully skips a beat now just as it did then.
There’s no way around the fact that her words hurt.
It had come so fast, that skipped heartbeat from earlier.I’d been distracted by the nonsense with her ex, and I didn’t have time to raise my defenses again before her words sliced in deep.They cut straight through eight years of us not liking each other and all the way back to when we liked each other so much it was breathtaking.
Inhaling deeply, I drag a hand down my face.
I try again not to think any more about any of it.
I don’t want to think about it.Still don’t even know why the past has been coming back up in my mind as much as it has today.
