Page 261 of Falling Backwards
So I swallow any remaining nervousness and just do it.
Emma and I stroll along while I talk about having been unhappy with my body for quite some time.I first noticed it when I was still with Marcus and wasn’t pleased about it, but after he dumped me, it really started sticking around in my mind.I haven’t liked how I’ve looked in or out of my clothes; I’ve noticed every extra bit of softness and roundness and every place that isn’t even halfway toned or tight, so I’ve done my best to wear leggings and sweaters.I haven’t liked how I’ve physically felt.And I figured exercise would be the best thing to try out; I knew it would be difficult, but I’d always heard that it was good for mental health as well as physical.Win-win, as long as I could deal with the challenge of it.
She listens without interrupting except for a sympathetic tsk here and a quiet, “Oh, Maggie,” there.
When I say, “I was doing well until I got hurt,” she squeezes the arm linked with hers and throws her other one across us to give me a kind of side-hug.
As I return it, she states, “And now you don’t like how you feel again.”
Stomach sinking, I nod.
“I’m sorry, girl.”
Our hug slips away.I say, “I’ve been stressing about it.Angry.I’m falling behind and—”
“You’re not falling behind on anything.You’re okay.And you’ve never been anything but beautiful, Maggie.It has never mattered what size you are.”
Part of me wants to refuse that.Another thirsts to accept it.Another yet wants to shed a few tears—and that one is pulling ahead fast.
I blink at the prickle in my eyes.“Luke says that too,” I try not to say too weakly to be heard.
“And you don’t believe him either?”
“I….Actually, he helps me a lot, but it’s just so hard to shake.I still feel it every day—” I throw my free hand up, “—especially since I can’t work out right now.I was making some kind of progress before, and now I’m not doing anything.”
Emma tugs on my arm until I look at her and see her seriousness.“Hey, I know it’s hard to shake.We all go through times when we don’t like how we look, what with society being the shallow piece of shit that it is, which makes a lot ofother peoplepieces of shit too.We gotta work on that.We gotta learn to see we’re okay the way we are so outside influences can’t constantly drag us down.We gotta be on our own side.The world is demanding enough about things being perfect, which means wecan’tbe that way to ourselves.”
I give a light, wry laugh.“But it’s confusing.I—I should feel good about my body no matter what anyone says because my opinion matters more than theirs, right?But if Idon’tfeel good, doesn’t that matter too?Doesn’t my opinion outshine everyone else’s on that as well?If I’m supposed to love my body and I don’t, then isn’t that a reason to try to change it?”
She doesn’t answer right away.I glance at her and see she’s nodding slightly and slowly, a pensive look on her face.She sees the dichotomy there.
While she thinks, I look around us.We don’t have time to go in any more stores, especially since we’ve been at this slower walking pace thanks to my knee—yeah, I’m thankful it’s getting better, but I still wish it would finish up already.Especially regarding Luke.I want so badly to be able to move freely enough to let our desire for each other loose.It sucks to hold back just because I’m afraid my wound—
Holyshit.
“Holy shit,” I say out loud in a huff, coming to a stop and causing Emma to do the same.
“What?”she asks.
My pulse has taken off on a sprint, disrupting my Luke thoughts, firing heat into my cheeks, almost making me feel dizzy.Wide-eyed, I stare at where Kyle is coming out of the shoe store just ahead of us, his attention lowered to his phone.
I try to tell Emma he’s there—he’shere—but can’t make my mouth work again, so I think about pointing but don’t actually want to do that in case he looks up and sees me and—
Emma makes a low sound like a snarl, and I know she has seen him on her own.
“That isnotwho I think it is,” she says, her tone dangerous.
I can’t let her try to say anything to him.I don’t want him to see me.What do I do?Try to run us into the closest store?
But my body is already doing that.As he walks this way, I jostle Emma leftwards while she tries to go for him.I shush her hissed protest of my intervention; I’m forced to ignore the way my knee bumps into her and cries out in pain.I want to look away from Kyle as we go towards Bath & Body Works, but anxiety keeps my eyes glued to him.
Please don’t let him notice us!
Or is he here because he already knows we’re here?Did he follow us to the mall?I didn’t think I’d seen any white cars following us on the way here!
Emma and I make it to the outer edge of the store just as my ankle turns, causing me to yelp.
Kyle finally looks up from his phone and in my direction.
