Page 244 of Falling Backwards
Emma appears as well and kneels on the floor by the couch.She doesn’t say anything, but she reaches out and rests a hand on my head.Silence notwithstanding, I know what she’s thinking because it’s in her expression; she’s torn between wanting to comfort me and wanting to find Luke so she can make him pay.
I love her for it.
But he’s not the only one who’s done something wrong here.
She knows that.So does Joy.They both know about my fight with Luke and what was said, and they remember as well as I do whatIdid to make him pay in high school.
God….For a long time, when I thought back on that, there was a feeling of righteousness or something, like he had deserved retaliation and I had not one single reason to feel bad for delivering it.But the rawness of my anger and heartache faded—theydidn’t fade, just how fresh and burning they were—and I’d sometimes think of those flyers my friends and I posted everywhere, remembering how many times I heard people making fun of him even in the next school year, and my stomach would sink so hard.
I know it wasn’t the cruelest example of revenge ever.It wasn’tme,though.It wasn’t like me to do something like that.
But I’d also never had my heart broken before because I’d never given it to anyone before him.The only feelings I could separate from the rubble were the hard ones.I became close with the feeling of loathing and let it spur me into action.
No, I’m not innocent in this mess.
And I’m…I’m….
Swallowing hard, I finally speak into the silence my friends have been sitting in with me.
“I’m stuck.”My voice sounds like I feel: worn, weak.“I’m so mad at him, but I’mtired of beingmad at him.I want to do something to bring us back together and I don’t know what it is.Because I know he’s mad at me too.”I close my eyes on the new sting building in them.“I don’t know what to do to try to earn him back when we’re both still hurt.”
Well, talking to him would be a start.
My heartbeat does something uncomfortable.
There’s no way we wouldn’t start arguing again if we tried to really talk about things.
Couldn’t it be helpful in the end, though?Couldn’t the fight lead to even better peace than what we manufactured before yesterday?
…What a wonderful notion.
And what a scary one.
How do you do it?How do you sort out whether it’s right to try to make amends when parts of you don’t even feel ready for it and the parts that do aren’t sure the other person is ready?How do you think about forgiving and asking for forgiveness when you’re still upset and you know the other person is too?
I wonder if my friends are thinking the same things.Joy is sighing.Emma starts playing with my hair, gentle and soothing.They stay quiet.
Until Emma says, “Well, I’m no expert on love.I haven’t had good luck with it.”
My eyes drift back open.I look at her and see the slightest of frowns between her brows, touching her pretty brown eyes as she keeps focusing on my hair.
“But I know honesty.”
Joy gives a hum of agreement tinged with amusement.I just nod at Emma.
“I’m pissed at him,” she goes on saying.At first, I think she’s talking about Graham, but of course she’s not.At least, not consciously.“But despite my instinct to tell you to tell him to fuck off, and despite everything that goes into the fight you had…I know you two matter to each other.Which meanshonestyis what will get you unstuck from this.You gotta tell him how you felt in eleventh grade and how you feel now.You gotta put it all out there.”
I wish she could apply that advice to herself and start healing from the Graham thing.But it’s not the same situation, I know.Graham doesn’t even live in this town anymore and I watched her delete all his information from her phone when things with them went south; she can’t talk to him the way I can talk to Luke.
I think about doing what she’s suggesting, and again I feel the fear.
“It would be scary to do that,” I whisper.
Both of my friends say, “I know.”
Joy adds, “I know you guys tried to avoid talking about the past because you thought that was the safe thing to do.The wise thing, the mature thing….”
She doesn’t keep going, and she doesn’t have to.I know what she’s thinking.
