Page 245 of Falling Backwards
I do know the truth.
I remember the other day when Luke cleaned the ugly, bloody scrape on my knee for me.Yeah, it hurt like hell.Yeah, I cried.But it had to be done, and once it was, I knew I was on the path to getting better.
We shouldn’t have covered our broken things up and hoped they’d never hurt us again.It’s like we bandaged our wounds without cleaning them first, not giving them the attention they needed so they could heal properly, and all that did was trap little bits of ugliness in them.
You can’t live like that.
But it’s true: we just didn’t want to risk losing each other.Was that so wrong?So stupid?
A tickle on my face tells me a teardrop has gotten loose.I wipe at it, then sniffle.
I say, “I don’t like thinking about what happened in high school.With the bet.”
Emma pauses playing with my hair to give it a comforting pat.Joy does the same to my shoulder.
“You never got the whole story, right?”Joy asks.“You never heard Luke’s side?”
The weight that puts in my chest is so awful and heavy it has my eyes watering in earnest.
“No, I didn’t,” I answer weakly, “because hearing even part of ithurt.”
In an instant, I’m wrapped as tightly in hugs as I can be with the way the three of us are situated.
“Oh, honey, I know,” Joy rushes out soothingly.“Of course it did.”
Emma says, “It hurt me and Joy to watch you be so heartbroken.What you guys had together seemed so special and genuine.”
As I hug them back the best I can, I try to compose myself.I don’t want to snot all over these girls.“Yeah, so—so I’m scared to hear about all of it now.I’m scared that so much honesty is just gonna hurt me all over again and thenhe’sgonna be hurt all over again because you can’t think about the bet without thinking about how I retaliated, whichI feel so bad about.What if we air all of that out and the only thing it does is ruin us because we realize we can’t get over it after all?Or what if I decide I can get over it, but he can’t?What if he can never trust me again?You can’t have a relationship without trust.”
Joy rocks me back and forth like the sister she is.“What if it doesn’t go like that at all, though?What if things only go well?”
Emma hums, “Mmhmm.”Then she murmurs, “If you wanna fight for him, don’t let anxiety stand in your way.Just get in the ring and fight.He makes you happy and we want you to be happy, so fight, girl.”
“Yeah.It might hurt like you’re worried it will, but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna actually end badly.”
Cleaning wounds is a good thing.It hurts, but it’s how they heal.
My friends are right.The half of me that can think straight is right.
A terrible tremble is starting up in my bones, though.
All our hugs unravel and the girls sit back.I wipe my face again and sigh—then jump a mile and send my knee into a screech of pain and gasp sharply—
“What?”Emma asks.“What’s wrong?”
I unearth my phone from where I’ve apparently been lying on it.“Ugh, God, that hurt.My phone vibrated and startled….”
As I read what’s on my screen, I feel my eyes go wide.
My friends question this, too, their tones blending curiosity and concern.
And I feel those things myself.
LUKE:Can we talk in person?I’m free at any time tonight and tomorrow.I can wait longer than that if I have to, but I’d rather not
Yeah, my pulse is quickening,floodingmewith that curiosity and concern.My stomach knots up again and again and again because I don’t know if his message is a good sign or a bad one.
As I show it to Emma and Joy, the thought,There’s only one way to find out,pings around in my head.
