Page 242 of Falling Backwards
“And so,” I conclude as I look at Paxton and stop circling my living room, “I don’t know what to do about her now.I—I wanna see her, but I can’t see her without us talking about all this, and I don’t know what to say.I don’t know how to handle what we’re in the middle of.”
Blinking a few times, Paxton stares at me from my couch.He doesn’t appear judgmental, just like he’s trying to process everything I’ve said over the last…however many minutes.
Whichwaspretty much everything.
I told him about the bet with Jayden and how I fell for the girl whose name I drew out of his baseball cap.How I broke her heart because I wasn’t honest about the situation before she found out in a horrible way.How she refused to listen to my side of the story and just got back at me by posting flyers around school that led to most of our classmates shitting on me not only for the rest of junior year but for all of senior year too.I relived teenagers who liked to mock people in order feel better about themselves having all kinds of rumors about me to choose from, not even counting the one truth Maggie threw in there just to really kick me in the balls—though I still didn’t give Paxton full details about my upset over my dad.
Then I moved on to talking about Jayden’s visit to town.I summarized the fight Maggie and I got into about him; I managed to leave out specifics about my dad again, but I made it clear that I said something to Maggie about not trusting her after the high school stuff, even though the reality of how I feel about that is complicated.I told him how tonight’s outing with Jayden went, not leaving anything out of that one.
Now I’m standing here waiting for Paxton to know what to say to help me.
Ineedsomeone to help me.I don’t know how to salvage what I have with Maggie when there’s so much to deal with and—
Paxton guffawing snags my attention.
“Are you for real?”he asks.“Y’all have been lettingthatstand in your way all this time?That stuff from sixteen?”
I frown in curiosity and confusion.“Uh, yeah?What do you mean?It was a really big deal to both of us.”
“For sure, but not so big that you guys needed to suffer for almost a decade without trying to reach a resolution.”He must sense me starting to mention her and my agreement not to talk about the past, because he holds up a halting hand.“Arealresolution.”
I close my mouth on the words, then blow a raspberry.
He says, “Man up and tell her again that you’re sorry.Try to fix it.”
At that, familiar anxiety claws up my chest, my throat.
I say, “I want to, but…what if she still doesn’t wanna hear it?What if it leads to an even bigger fight?What if she decides she hates me and doesn’t want me anymore?What if she’s not sorry about the flyers?”
“You gotta try no matter the what-ifs.You gotta tell her how you feel about everything, Luke, and let her have a chance to do the same for herself, or you’re not giving your relationship your all.If you’re not giving your relationship your all, then it’sfor surenever gonna make it.As for however bad she does or doesn’t feel…y’all just have to talk and try to sort it out.”He tosses a dismissing hand in the air.“Seriously, talk.To hell with the way you guys have been doing things when it comes to the past, ’cause it ain’t working.”
The more he says, the more I realize I didn’treallyneed him to say any of it after all.
I knew this stuff.Somewhere deep down, I knew it.
I thought it to myself just last night:‘When am I gonna learn that ignoring what hurts is not the way to make it better?’And maybe itdidonly come to me last night, between the fight with Maggie and me going to Merritt’s today, but still.
Paxton says, “The different things you feel for her may be all tangled up, but the way out of them isn’t, dude.This is nearly black and white.”He holds his hands up.“Start a conversation towards apology and get a chance at repairing things, or don’t start one and don’t get the chance.When it comes right down to it, those are your options.”
I don’t know how long I’ve been nodding.
He adds, “I’m pretty sure I told you this kind of thing a long time ago.Weren’t we sitting at the bar at Lucent, likening relationships to roads or some shit?You said your and Maggie’s road has potholes in it and I said you need to find a way to patch them instead of fucking up your car driving over and over and over them?”
Hell, I do remember that.
My voice is thin when I confirm, “Yeah.”I clear my throat.“Yeah, Pax.”
“Yeah?”
I nod some more.
“Okay, then.You guys tried it your way, with the whole,‘We’re gonna try to be happy without actually dealing with our trauma,’thing.Now try it the right way.”
That last bit comes on a tone of slight teasing, and it doesn’t rub me the wrong way like Jayden’s jokes did.I exhale a small laugh.
Paxton smiles.“You do still wanna be happy together, don’t you?”
“Iwant us to, yes.”
