Page 243 of Falling Backwards
“Then go for it.”
Such a simple solution.
Quietly now, I ask, “Why is it so hard for me not to be fucking stupid?”
His smile fades.This time when he studies me, I see empathy in his face.
“You’re just human,” he says.“It’s okay to be human.It’s okay to think you’ve got everything worked out and then find out you don’t.It’s okay to realize you need, or even just want, to change something in your life.It’s okay to make mistakes.”He shrugs.“Everyone does stupid and hurtful and selfish shit.What’snotokay about it is when the lesson doesn’t get learned.And you’ve learned your lessons about Maggie, dude.Maybe the learning has been slow coming and it’s been piece by piece and it needed the nudge of your fake relationship because you couldn’t get out of your own way by yourself, but the fact of it happening is what counts.”
There are two things I think about that, and I’m not going to keep either of them to myself.
“This is not the first time since you’ve been here that you’ve said stuff I think I already knew somewhere in my mess of a brain.”
Paxton’s smile comes back and he mimes a bow.“Understandable.You’re a smart person.You don’t have your head up your ass like ol’ Jayden Assgobbler.”
The laugh that escapes me now is echoed by him.“He’s got his head up his assandhe’s an assgobbler?Is he gobbling hisownass?”
“I mean, yeah!The way you talked about him made it seem like he’s on his own team well enough, so why not?”
My laughter is wholehearted.And I know why, and it feeds right into the other thing I want to say—something I thought about him as I was leaving the bar.
I step towards Paxton and hold out a hand.“You’rea real friend to me, dude.You always have been.Thank you.”
Grinning, he stands and swipes his hand into mine, clutching it just like I clutch his right back.
Equal reciprocity this time.
He says, “No problem.You’ve always been a real friend to me too.Thankyou,man.”
I feel a twinge of guilt over how I’ve never been completely honest with him about all the stuff with my dad.Shouldn’t a real friend open up about those kinds of things?
I think so.Still, as our hands drop each other, I know this isn’t the right time to do it.
I’d say Maggie drifts into my mind, but God knows she never really leaves it in the first place.
My musing from last night does come back up, though.‘When am I gonna learn that ignoring what hurts is not the way to make it better?’
I have the answer today.
And the answer is just that:today.
Today, I learned the final piece of the lesson.
Now to figure out how and when to let the girl I love in on it.
M A G G I E
How can I be this upset over someone and still want so badly to be in their arms that the distance between us makes me feel like half of me is missing?
I’ve wondered it for twenty-four dragging hours.
One by one, they’ve passed without Luke reaching out to me and without me knowing whether or not I should reach out to him.I’ve been left heavy and gray and crying and wrought with memories old and new—been full of anger and pain and exhaustion because this is just….
“Hey.”
I blink out of staring at the coffee table and look up at the only person whose voice could ever be so soft.Joy’s eyes are soft, too, as she sits on the edge of the couch, where I’ve been lying for probably too long.
Well, what can I say?I didn’t have to work today, my knee hurts, and my heart feels cracked to the point that it just might shatter if I move too much.
