Page 216 of Falling Backwards
Well, I don’t, because her logic is flawed.She’s not giving herself the same support and grace that she would give anyone else.Forgetmyopinion—she’s being unfair to herself, and she’s doing it without even bothering to try the shirt on.A shirt that she clearly fell in love with at first sight.
My lovely, misguided girl.
I hate for her to think things like this about herself; I hate for anyone to.And I get that it comes from ingrained societal pressures and beliefs and all that shit, but at what point are we going to really work to break that downasa society?She was right when she said people are beautiful and can be stylish no matter their size or shape.When can the stupid judgment of others and of self end?
I don’t say any of this, though.Not right now.Because, like I was just thinking, those judgments are ingrained in folks and I know they don’t fade overnight.I also know Maggie has been feeling especially uncomfortable over the last week since her time of the month has come around; that may be contributing to her current self-conscious mood.Plus, she has just started talking about the Grinch movie again.So I tune into that and keep walking with her to the back of the store.
Picking out dumbbells is a more amusing affair.We read that we should each have one lighter set and one heavier set, and watching Maggie test the different weights to figure out which are doable for her is funny.The way her eyes widen at the torso-slanting heft of the fifteen-pound dumbbell actually makes me cackle.
“Okay, hand that over before you hurt yourself,” I say.I grip the ends so she can let go of the middle, but she doesn’t relinquish it.I tug and so does she.
“Hey, I can hold it,” she insists with some cross between a pout and a look of impatience.Then she adds more thoughtfully, “But could I lift it above my head repeatedly…?”
We shake our heads at the same time while I laugh more.“I highly doubt it, at least when we’re just starting out and especially since a lot of workouts will want you to use two of them, not just one.”I tug again.“Give.”
She tugs again too.“Keep.I’ll put it back myself.”
“I gotta see how it feels for me before we put it back.”
“Pick up a different one.This one’s mine.”
This time when I laugh, she does too.The way she looks at me gives away that she knows how silly what she said is.We pull back and forth for another few moments, decidedly teasing now, and then she finally lets go, allowing me to shift the dumbbell into one of my hands.With the other, I gently bump a curled finger beneath her chin.
And for the first time in what feels like forever, she lets her shoulders fall and sets one hip out to the side while her pretty head tilts—she does the shoulder drop.There’s a soft, amused expression on her face, not flatness or exasperation, and it makes my insides go all stupid because I’m realizingI missed this damn thingand because it’s unexpected in this moment and because this is the second cutesy one she’s ever given me and, exactly like the first one, it’s as wonderful as the original.
Ah, God help me.
“What is it?”she asks.
I have, of course, been staring.No telling what my expression is like otherwise.
Since I’m not sure whether I want to let her in on my secret fascination or not, I go with a different truth: “Just adore you, Maggie Moss.That’s all.”
The softness on her face grows, and I briefly consider suggesting we go make out in the fitting room—maybe we can get into the same one from when we were still faking our relationship.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
But she won’t go along with that, I already know.
Besides, I also know what kinds of sounds this here Maggie Moss makes when we’re making out and I amnotinterested in anyone else hearing them.
I only realize she’s been staring at me, too, when she finally breaks this bit of silence.“Well, your name is on my heart, Luke Bramhill.”
This makes my insides go stupid too.
Such an amazing fucking feeling.
We exchange smiles and I brush her cheek with my knuckles and she sends two gentle rubs over my waist.Then we turn our attention back to the dumbbells.
After some more testing and thinking, we each choose our two sets.It comes to light that we should’ve gotten a cart so we can more easily lug all these things around, so we have a playful powerwalk race back to the front of the store.I don’t miss the way she looks at the crop top again on our way past it and thenagainwhen we’re going back to the dumbbells with our cart; she tries to act like she’s ignoring it, but she’s not.
That does it,I think with warm resolve.
I wait until we’re heading up front to pay for all these dumbbells before I finally say it, pointing at the mannequin as we approach it once more.
“I think you should quit making heart-eyes at that shirt and go try it on already.”
Maggie whips her head around to me, confusion on her face.“Wait, what?Why?Luke, Itoldyou—”
