Page 214 of Falling Backwards
There was a time not that long ago when I wondered if the strain between us could ever change.Then I realized I wanted it to.Then it hit me that I didn’t only want to change, I wanted to let myself fall.Now things have barreled along even farther and I know I don’t justwantthe fall anymore, I’min it.
But….
I’m visited by a flicker from yesterday in his kitchen.Something on his phone had visibly upset him, and he wouldn’t say what it was, and the way that made me feel—that hint of a secret, of something he didn’t want to tell me…it wasn’t good.It made me feel nervous.Sad.
Had he been texting someone who said something that bothered him?Was it his aunt again?God, was it his dad?
The thought of his dad makes my stomach clench.
I rush past the old memories I have of Luke talking about him—past what I did with that information.
What if hewasupset about his dad yesterday?Can I blame him for being hesitant to talk to me about that these days?I never told him I’m sorry for breaking his trust in high school.
Guilt scrapes at me.
I need to tell him how sorry I am.Iwantto.
But we said it’s time to put up a wall between then and now, not go back, and it’s been working for us.If I bring up my hurtful actions, his hurtful actions will come back to light too.
Maybe that’s what should happen.Maybe the fight it would lead to is something we need, not something to avoid.
That gives me pause.
But no.The risk of that conversation ruining us is one I don’t want to take.
He may still feel like he can’t forgive me, and I’m not sure—
My phone starts vibrating with a phone call, startling me.
It’s Luke.
Part of me is still clinging to this last minute and the fear and unease it was stirring up, but the rest of me is glad for this interruption.
The past is behind us.We agreed on that for good reason.
I answer with, “Hi.”
“Hey,” comes the welcome sound of his voice.It instantly warms me.“Soooo, on a scale of one to ten, how mad would you be if I told you I ate the rest of the chocolate cake we made?”
My mouth falls open with disbelief, but then laughter overtakes me.
It overtakes him, too, and I wish I could see his smile.
“You know what?”I say.“Since we can recreate it literally tomorrow, I’m only at a one.”
“I was thinking the same thing!It was easy to make, even the frosting.”
“Yep.”I think about that fluffy, velvety, chocolatey frosting and groan.“I’m at a nine as far as missing it goes, though.”
He takes a hissing, sympathetic breath.“Does it help at all that I thought of you while I finished it off?”
I have to clap my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing so loudly that I disturb my friends in their rooms.
Through his hearty chuckles, he prompts, “Maybe a little?”
I barely get out, “Not really, Luke, no!”
For many moments, all we do is crack up.
