Page 169 of Falling Backwards
Then there’s how I feel about the Kyle thing itself.I can’t believe he was almost refusing to accept that I want him to leave me alone.
Underneath all that, though, was that sense of peace from Luke being on my side; it made me feel stronger.Hewas strong next to me and on my behalf.He didn’t stand there and let me do all the work, and I knew he was ready to make things okay however else I needed him to.He really was like my armor.
I got used to it so damn fast.
I’ve gotten used to all the good things I’ve discovered about him.
But not whatever is going on right now.
Luke turns the car into the parking lot of my apartment building.As much as I love being with him, it’s kind of a relief that I’m almost free of the weight between us—in person, anyway.There’s no way it will ease up off my mind, but at least I’ll have other things and my friends to distract me somewhat.I won’t have to feel every empty inch between me and him, won’t have to fill our silence with the racket of my thoughts.
It is a little bit crazy how intensely I feel those empty inches.
I want him to touch me.I want to touch him.I want that perfect mixture of familiarity and newness that has grown between us, effortless, breathtaking, honest, sweet.
How did I get this way?my old bitterness mutters.Luke Bramhill?Really?Of all people, it’s him?
Yeah.It is.
Normally, some type of contact would come once we’re out of the car and heading for the building, but it doesn’t this time.Aside from my sweater, there’s still nothing on my skin or shoulders or waist except for open air and sunshine and cool wind.He doesn’t try to hold my hand.I don’t bump arms with him.
We enter the building and the distance between us remains.
We step onto the elevator along with a couple with a baby stroller that separates us even more.
We reach the second floor and exit long moments apart because of the crowded space, and even after it’s just us again, we don’t mosey close to each other while we keep walking.
And as our time together ticks, ticks, ticks away, a sense of sadness grows in me.
What have I done?
The way things are between us right now compared to how they were earlier…it’s painful.
What was I thinking when I brought up kissing?Why didn’t I try to control myself?
We reach my door.My face burns, hands shake, throat feels dry as I dig my keys out of my purse.It all worsens while I unlock—
The gentle fingertips that go down my arm startle the keys right out of my grip.My gasp isn’t quiet enough to get lost in the metallic jangle-clank that hits the floor.
Chill bumps explode to life all over me.
It doesn’t matter that I’m not facing Luke—I still know he’s close at my back.Not only because his other fingers are now grazing down my other arm, too, but because I can sense his warm presence overtaking all the space that surrounded me before.
The tension heightens, and I realize all at once that it hasn’t been a bad tension at all.He just must not have known what to say either.
Again and again, the chill bumps cascade over me, from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.
His fingertips have stopped at my elbows.
How can something so delicate hit so hard?How can a touch so light blow straight through sweater fabric?
I spend a few seconds soaking it up.
Then I cross my arms low over my chest and brush my still-shaky hands over his.
I can hear what the contact does to his breathing…and my heart swells about it being the same thing it does tomybreathing.
It all intensifies as his hands slip out from under mine and land on my waist, spreading out, flexing just a little bit.Something in the back of my mind mutters self-conscious things, but I can’t pay attention to it.I can only think about how good his hands feel on me like this and how good they’d feel on so many other—
