Page 144 of Falling Backwards
Must be out of my mind for entertainingallthese soft thoughts I keep having.
But I can’t seem to stop myself.
—
I flop down onto the couch, leg muscles aching and pulse racing thanks to the cardio video I just followed along with.
When Joy and I got home, the idea of working out made me grouchy because all I wanted to do was nap.I didn’t procrastinate too much: I made a call to the homeless shelter to find out what kinds of donations they need, and then I moved my butt because it was important to me that I didn’t bail on myself.
I’ve learned that when I’m in a bad mood about exercising, sometimes what helps is getting dressed for it and turning the video on anyway.Then I remind myself that I don’t have to go all-out—I can do the easiest level of work and it’ll still be better than no work at all.Before I know it, I’m getting started, and by the end of my time, I’ve usually warmed up into challenging myself instead of sticking with the minimum.
That’s what I did just now, hence why my legs feel like jelly.I didn’t do the pop-squats and alternating jumpy lunges in full during the first two rounds, but I really tried on the second two.
On one hand, I wonder why anyone puts themselves through things like this, but on the other hand, I’m proud of myself for not giving up even though it’s hard.
I’m sipping water and still trying to catch my breath when I hear the sound of locks turning, then of the front door opening.
“Babes,” Emma calls, “I hope you’re both as ready for Italian food and cute guys as I am!”
I raise one tired arm.From where she’s been fixing her makeup in the bathroom, I hear Joy chirp, “I am!”
I check the time and realize I need to start getting ready to go too.The three of us are meeting all the guys at the restaurant in less than an hour.
In my room, I peruse the clothes in my closet.I’m hoping to find something that’s pretty but that won’t make me feel self-conscious…and while I do that, I also catch myself wondering more than once if I really have anything to feel self-conscious about.
I’ve been working on being in better shape, and that has done something good for me mentally even if it’s too early to have done anything physically.But I know a certain someone thinks I already look beautiful.Just the way I am.
Not that other people’s opinions should dictate how I feel about myself.That shouldn’t be true for anyone.Still,Luke’sopinion of me is…well, it’s….
With a sigh, I remember being moved to tears over what he said to me the other night in the hallway.
There’s something warm about knowing how highly he thinks of me when I don’t think highly of myself.Something kind of…strengthening.
I blink at my closet a few times, then decide not to let that self-consciousness rule me too much after all.
Not tonight, anyway.
L U K E
Damn, I’m tired.
Not so tired that I’m going to back out of this dinner, though.Since Joy took Maggie to work this morning and then picked her up for that doctor’s appointment right before my own shift started, I haven’t seen her all day.All we’ve been able to do is text.I know I could see her whether dinner happens or not, but whatever.If she wants to go out, thenIwant to go out.
I’ve also heard great things about this Italian restaurant.Paxton has been to it a few times.I tend to forget it exists since it’s across town from the places I usually am.Plus, it’s been a minute since my friend and I have hung out.He’s been talking to Emma—pretty casually, I think, but still—and I’ve given basically all my free time to Maggie.
I wouldn’t wanna be casual with her.
The unbidden thought catches me off-guard.
I blink it and its accompanying stomach swoop away as I turn into the restaurant’s crowded lot.It’s time to focus on searching the evening for somewhere to park, not on how it would sit horribly with me if Maggie wasn’t completely mine because I was only seeing her halfway.
But what am I even talking about?She’s already not mine.She hasn’t been mine in forever.
And really, she wasn’t mine when we were sixteen either because the way we started out was—
I stomp on the brake, startled, as if that group of people is right in front of my car, not merely nearing it from some parked—
