Page 143 of Falling Backwards
“Well,” she says at length, “you’re the one who can sense what’s best for you.Like Em and I said when this started, we trust what you think is the right thing to do when it comes to him.If you don’t feel like bringing up the past is gonna help anything, then okay.”She smiles encouragingly.“But hey, maybe the time for it will present itself later on.Maybe after Kyle is out of the picture?”
“Maybe,” I murmur.
Or maybe we can avoid talking about it forever.That’s what we’ve done since I started working at Lucent.Maybe instead of being on each other’s nerves in the Now Times, we can be happy in them, and the Old Times can just stay where they are: behind us.
What an idea—as compelling as it is weak.
Oh, my tired brain.What am I even doing trying to think about significant things when I’m so tired?
As if on cue, Joy perks up.“Oh, hey, I think we can go check on your prescription again!Seems like we’ve been waiting as long as they said to.”
I agree, so I give her my best smile.“Okay.Thanks for listening to my boy problems.”
“Of course!I’m sorry it’s tricky.”She blows a raspberry.“Freaking boys, huh?”
“Mmhmm.”
And freaking girls who retaliate against the boys and double the damage done.
She links her arm with mine and starts us back towards the pharmacy.I let her bubbliness carry me along while I think about her failed blind date.
The guy’s name was Afton, it turned out.He was allegedly so handsome in Joy’s eyes that she thought she had fallen in love at the sight of him; he didn’t have the usual vibe or even the usual style of guys she goes for, but at first she thought it was nice.I remember her saying,‘He wasall blond and composed-looking and sweater-over-a-button-down and,ugh,have khakis ever fit someone so damn well?For some reason, it just worked for me.’
But she was reminded not five minutes later that love at first sight doesn’t exist.They quickly rubbed each other the wrong way.She said he had no chill, no sense of humor, and very little patience.Said that when she complimented him on looking so great, he grumbled out his thanks and studied her like he was hunting for something nice to say, then finally said her pink hair was‘interesting.’According to Joy, it didn’t sound like he meant it as a good thing.
Some of her reports about him were hard not to giggle at, honestly.Like how she seemed to offend his very soul with her style and her chatter about the rainy raccoons she saw on the way to the restaurant and how sad she thinks the disappearing-cotton-candy videos are.But I knew how much Afton frustrated her, and there really wasn’t anything funny about that.She said he looked at her like she was insane or something, particularly about the raccoons, and he never lightened up or even fake-laughed.He just asked stiff questions and answered stiffly when she asked him anything.
Indeed, it wasn’t long before that got onhernerves.She finally said something about his attitude, and he said she was wearing him out.She said she was trying to be friendly because they were on a date, and he asked if she could try being toned down instead because he got a little bit more of a headache every time she got excited about things like how much she loved the dressing on her salad.
My poor sweet friend.
She’s a bright light of a person, and I guess it’s not for everyone.There’s nothing reallywrongwith that, but still.It bothered her a lot that she and Afton clashed as much as they did, so my heart goes out to her.
But it’s just as well, I know.She’ll find her person someday, and they’ll appreciate the light about her so much that they won’t be able to live without it.
She was right about my prescription: we get it picked up without any more waiting.Then we’re free to finally head back home.On our way away from the pharmacy, Joy gasps and stops at an endcap to look at a festive Thanksgiving headband.It has glittery autumn leaves springing up from it and a couple of tiny, adorable turkeys tucked in among them.It’s veryher, we decide, and she needs it.And I decide we need to go to the candy aisle before we check out becauseIneed some gummy worms.
Remembering sharing Luke’s yesterday has me smiling happily to myself.That was really fun—and really adorable of him to allow again.I also felt adorable using the empty bag for drawing slips of paper to decide where to start our helpful work; our local homeless shelter won.
The hug he wrapped me up in, though…there was nothing adorable about that.There was everything warm and satisfying and moving about it.
I could’ve stayed there, in his arms and with him in mine, for so much longer.
I loved how strong he was around me.His embrace was so solid and good-smelling and heartfelt.
It was real.
Yes, a little while ago, I told Joy the way he’s been acting isn’t realbecausehe’s been acting—just pretending to be my boyfriend—but…honestly, I don’t think that’s right.How could it be?Some things between us haven’t happened for anyone else to see.Like him earnestly telling me how beautiful he thinks I am even though I didn’t look anywhere close to my best, and him calling me just to hear my voice one more time, and him not minding that I still love the way he laughs because he still loves that about me too.
And him hugging me within moments of me opening my front door, not uttering a word, not seeming the least bit hesitant even after all these years.
Istillget chill bumps from how it felt for his breaths to drift through my hair and over my ear, my jaw, my neck while he held me like….
Like he didn’t wanna let go.
I feel that welcome tension all over again too.
God, I must be out of my mind for hoping so much that I’ll get to experience it anew later.
