Page 142 of Falling Backwards
Swallowing hard, I look away again.
“That’s gotta be tough, Maggie.Remembering what happened but living in what’s happening.”
I nod.
We’re quiet for a few moments.
Then she sighs, “Well, wow, huh?”
“Yeah.”I lift my shoulders.“I mean, I know it’s not real.I know we’re faking.But sometimes it’s….”I chew on my bottom lip, then shake my head.
No, that’s stupid to even think,my resentment bites.It won’t be like this forever.It only seems sincere because he’s good at pretending.Half of him is pretending and the other half is untrustworthy, just like before.He let you down once and he’ll do it again, whether by design or because he just can’t help it.
As soon as I think that, though, something in me fights it.
Again.
Suddenly overwhelmed, I frown again, shake my head again, look at Joy again.
Then I blurt it out: “Do you believe it’s possible he didn’t pretend abouteverythingthe first time?Could it have felt like he cared about me because he really did?”
She tilts her head and rubs at one of my arms.“Sure, I believe that’s possible.Do you?”
While I look at her, my long-held belief that he was nothing but a jerk in disguise clashes with my stirring hope that he was something more—and all the proof I’ve been seeing that heis.
I whisper, “I kind of think I do.”
“Mmm.Well, guess whoknowswhat he did and didn’t feel back then.”
My shoulders slump now.
Joy gives me a cute wink.
“Luke knows,” I mumble.
“Yep.You could ask him about it.”
“No, I couldn’t.”
“Pff.I know your dating rules say whatever they say, but—”
“It’s scary,” I blow out on a breath.
Her eyebrows lift gently, curiously.
“That rule is there for a reason.If I bring up how much he hurt me, I’m scared it’ll lead to an argument about what I did back to him, and that’ll crack us apart all over again and—and then we’ll have set ourselves back and we’ll lose all these amazing things we’ve been sharing lately,andhe’ll stop wanting to help me, so I’ll be scared in a whole new way, and everything will just be….”
As I gesture weakly, I press my lips together and blink at the sting trying to build in my eyes.
Joy gives a slow nod.“Yeah, you’re right.That’s scary.”
I nod too.
“‘Amazing things’you’ve been sharing,” she murmurs.“Gosh.”
I know how shocking that is but don’t know what else to say about it.
We go quiet again, both of us contemplating.
