Page 141 of Falling Backwards
I shuffle up to where Joy is inspecting some lipstick.I try to look along with her, but the light bouncing off all the plastic tubes just makes me blink slowly…which somehow makes me yawn again.
Gosh, I really would like a bit of sleep.
Yesterday’s quick-paced walk at the park was a good experience, but since it was faster than I’ve ever walked for so long—nearly half an hour—my legs felt it in a different way from how they feel my HIIT workouts.Then of course I had to be on my feet at work, and the hours seemed long, and since Luke and I both closed again, we randomly decided we wanted to go eat at IHOP.And after spending that time dining in, we also talked on the phone again later; we discussed weekend plans and where to start with helping people in need and a ton of little things that didn’t matter much but still entertained us.It was close to two in the morning when we got off the call.
After I got up today, Joy took me to work the opening shift at Lucent, and someone in the largest lunch reservation had a kid who kept wandering out of the dining area and up to my stand.The boy wasn’t a toddler, but he was still too young to be left unattended, and Ronald did a poor job of making the parent keep tabs on him, so I found myself watching him instead.In between handling my various work responsibilities, I colored on a kid’s menu with him, looked on as he wrote out his own menu for an imaginary restaurant, and listened to his stories from the private school he attends.
Even though I liked the boy fine, it was a lot for me to keep up with.I’ve never done much babysitting, and I’ve certainly never done it while also trying to work.Never felt like I had to keep a kid entertained so he or she wouldn’t run off and cause mayhem elsewhere.And because of the kind of person I am, I’d often try to talk but get drowned out by whatever he’d start saying next, and I was constantly worried he would somehow cause damage to my stand or the restaurant before I could stop him—which only made my frustration with Doormat Ronald greater, because it wasn’t my place to confront the kid’s parent, but itwashis.
Then I had the doctor’s appointment, which always involves waiting for longer than it takes to get checked, which is boring.The weather is getting cold again, which makes me want to bundle up, which makes me think of being in bed or on the couch with a blanket.And none of that helps the whole I’d-like-to-doze-off thing.
“Are you and Luke coming out tonight?”Joy asks.“Have you decided?”
I blink my way through remembering what she’s talking about: she, Emma, Paxton, and a coworker of his are going to dinner and then to hang out at Paxton’s place.The guy he works with is allegedly someone Joy might like, and she’s excited to meet him since her blind date went so sideways.
To be honest, my current mood says a night out with a group sounds tiring, but Luke and I did already decide we’ll tag along.After being so nervous about Kyle, it sounds nice to go out with friends again.
I tell Joy, “Yeah, we decided we’re gonna go.”
She gasps happily.“Yay!Ooh,girl, we’ve gotta get dressed up!Date night!”
I chuckle lazily while she starts perusing glittery eyeliner.
“I mean,” she goes on, “obviously Emma and Paxton aren’t a couple ’cause she doesn’t do relationships—” she sends me a sad slant of her mouth, “—and his colleague and I aren’t actually gonna be on a date ’cause I amnevergoing in blind again.But you and Luke will be on one!Kind of, right?Or is it only a date if it’s either just the coupleoran official group date?”
Chuckling more, I shrug.“I don’t know, Joyful.”
But I…well, I like the idea of it being a date.
Luke and I didn’t label it when we talked about it, though.
“How are things with him?”she asks more quietly.
I open my mouth to answer, then close it again.
Even I don’t understand how I feel about Luke anymore.What if Joy doesn’t get it either and thinks I’m crazy or weak or stupid or…?
But no—that’s not her.That’s not even Emma, all her resentment about Graham and love aside.My friends have my back.It’s always been true, and it always will be.I can talk to them about anything.
I’ve always been able to talk to them aboutLuke.
So I speak honestly.
“Things with him are easy…and twisted up at the same time.It’s always somewhere in my mind that we hurt each other back in the day and we haven’t been on good terms and so we aren’t okay—sometimes it’s what I’m actively thinking about and sometimes it’s just something I know—but…” I frown at Joy, then at the floor, “…but somehow, we get along.”
I pause.
“We get along well.”
I lift a suddenly shaky hand to my suddenly heating face.
“We—we get alongreallywell.Surprisingly so.And it’s really—it’s confusing.Sometimes.”
More often the more time we spend together, because I can’t seem to keep a hold on what he is and isn’t supposed to mean to me.
Joy makes a soft noise of understanding.When I look at her again, she’s wearing a smile that is also soft.
“I see,” she murmurs.
