Page 63 of Falling Backwards
CHAPTER
FIVE
M A G G I E
Frozen.
I’m frozen with fear.
I lie in my bed in the darkness, heart racing, breaths shaking, eyes glued to my shut door.
Did I hear something in the apartment in real life or was it in my head?I’d just been stirring from an upsetting dream about Kyle, so maybe my brain….
My pulse doesn’t listen to that possibility; my ears listen for more noises.
It was thud-like, the sound I heard.Muffled yet thud-like.
I’ve gone so rigid that my muscles are starting to ache.
Calm down,I tell myself.Even if there was a noise, it was probably Emma or Joy.They live here, too, remember?Maybe one of them was getting something from the refrigerator and the door thudded shut.
That makes sense.I know it does.Those kinds of things happen all the time.
But it’s hard to separate fear from fact.
Dream-Kyle is still vivid in my mind, thudding me into a car, scaring me as much as the real Kyle did at Merritt’s and in the Lucent parking lot.I was so weak in my dream—the terrible, can’t-even-talk kind of weak—and dream-Kyle wasmakingme go with him, and nobody was around to help me and I couldn’t run and—
As that panic collides with the panic I feel now, a weak whimper escapes me.
Think comforting thoughts.Think comforting thoughts.Don’t dwell on that other stuff, Maggie, just….
A soft tone.
Not here—not in my room or on the other side of my door.No, a soft tone in my memory.
‘You can relax.This is as much of a problem as he’s gonna be tonight.’
Tears well in my eyes as I pull a jagged breath in through my nose.
Luke being near me was comforting.
He sat next to me, close enough to touch me, a most unexpected guardian.
He’s not here now, though.It’s just me and noises I can’t place and fear and nightmares and uncertainty.
What if Kyle really does know where I live?What if he’s mad about earlier and he—?
My heart rate must’ve begun to calm, because now it’s picking up again.
I felt safe with Luke.Maybe I didn’t feel like his friend or like we were okay or like we could have a lot of fun, but I did feel safe.He didn’t abandon me when I needed him.
I wish he were here,I can’t help thinking.He kept me safe.I wish I could know he was near me.I miss knowing that.
I don’t even have his phone number.I can’t text him and tell him I’m afraid, or call him and hear his voice, or…or….
