Page 194 of Falling Backwards
My lungs pull in an abruptly deep breath, and I try to pull myself from the thoughts I’d begun to get lost in.
“Yes,” I just about croak.“I’m okay.”I clear my throat, blink a few times, and will my brain to focus on the Maggie that’s in front of me, not the one from my past.
Still, for another little moment, I relive the pain younger Maggie put me through.The sting is renewed.The knot in my stomach hardens.
I take another deep breath and mentally shake myself—shake away the bad stuff.
I don’t want any of that.I really don’t.
Also don’t want to be mad about my dad or at my stepsister right now, so I shake them off, too, along with whatever desire I had to tell Maggie about them.
“I’m okay,” I reaffirm to her.
Her frown is light, but that worry on her face is still growing.She glances at my phone in my hand, her attention slipping farther and farther away from stirring the mac and cheese.
She doesn’t believe me.
She’s right not to.
No, that’s—she’snotright not to believe me, because Iamokay.I am.
Her stirring hand nearly stills as her voice softens.“You look really bothered.Is it from something on your phone?A messa—?”
“It’s nothing,” I cut her off.
Now her hand does still.She blinks at me.
Well, I thought I would sound smooth, but I hear now that I didn’t.Just short.
Chill out, man.Chill,I try to tell myself.Maggie cares about you and y’all have something so fucking good together.You’re not reallytryingto be short with her.Get all the bad shit out of your head and leave it in a corner somewhere.Leave Wendy and Dad there too.You’ve been in a great mood with Maggie and you both deserve to stay in it.
This side of inner me makes good points.
I tell her again, more peacefully this time, “It’s nothing.”I hold up my phone to her, though there’s nothing to see on it since the lock screen has long since come up.“Something…uh…did bother me, but it was stupid.No need to worry.”
Lie,that knotted, stinging part of me acknowledges in a whisper.I just don’t wanna confide in her too much again because I still can’t trust her not to—
With a big mental shove, I push that away.Idon’t wantthat stuff.
No matter how real those old feelings are—were—they belong in the past.We agreed thatthe past is the past.
She has my trust.Of course she does.Just like I have hers.
I walk to Maggie, whose green eyes are still absorbing me.She’s trying to discern whether I’m telling the truth, I know, and the closer I get to her, the more I hate that something was able to bring up the old resentment I hold towards her.
Held,I mean.The resentment Iheldtowards her.
I get next to her, slip my thumbs over her cheeks, lean down and touch the line of my nose to hers.Then I kiss her.My heart thumps happily when she kisses me back, her free arm going around my waist for a squeezing half-hug.
Thisis what I want: our solidity.
We’ve earned this from each other inpresenttimes; past times don’t matter because what we have now is real and true.The dumb shit we did when we were younger does still hurt when I think about it—I’m sure the same can be said for her—and that makes sense, but it doesn’t mean that what we havenowisn’t strong.
We make each other strong.
Both of us have a sore spot of weakness for the other, but we still make each otherstrong.It’s undeniable.
That’s what I want to focus on.
