Page 13 of Falling Backwards
“Hey, Mom,” I reply, smiling.“Good morning.What’s up?”
“Good morning!Oh, you know me—just drinking my coffee!”
“Well, obviously!”
We laugh.She loves coffee and drinks it throughout the day.I don’t know how she does it; when the need for it strikes me, a single cup will suffice.But I’ve never been a parent, huh?Maybe that’s got something to do with it.
“What about you, hmm?”she asks.“What’re you doing?”
“Just got up and left Pax’s place.I have to work in a little while.”
“Ooh, brunch!”
“Yes, ma’am!Come by if you want!”
She sighs longingly.“Dang, Luke.I just might.But tell me about your night!Did you boys have fun?And how was your day yesterday?”
I give her all the updates she wants.
Except for the ones involving Maggie.
All my mom knows about her is that we work together, and she only knows it as a passing background detail, not because Maggie ever comes up in conversation.I’ve never even talked specifically about the time we spent together back in high school, which was no small amount—before my jackassery got exposed, that is.
I’m touched by a flickering memory: the shyest of kisses on my lips.
I vehemently push it away for more than one reason, not the least of which is that I’m on the phone.
Even though I’ve always chatted with my mom about most things, Maggie has forever been in the category of Too Embarrassing To Talk About.I haven’t wanted my mom to be as aware of my old blunder as I am.It’s bad enough that I’m not proud of what happened.There’s no need to add in how disappointed she would also be.
So after I’m done telling her about my day yesterday, all she ends up saying is that she’s sorry about how work went and mad about my dad’s call—and whatever text he sent me a minute ago.
Yeah, the majority of my feelings towards him are something else I’ve never told her about, but she still knows how he is.
“What part of you saying you’re not going to the reunion was hard for him to grasp?”she echoes my earlier sentiments.Then she scoffs.“But then again, it’s always been his wayor his way, hasn’t it?He couldn’t care less what other people want.”
“Nope.”I spend a moment appreciating that we’re still in this together, and then I voice it.“Thanks for being both of my parents after he left and for giving us a happier life.You’re the best, Mom.It wasn’t easy at first, but we’re in good shape ’cause of how loving you are and how hard you tried.”
“Aw, Luke.”Her voice instantly softens.“Honey….”
If we were talking in person, here is where she’d give me an almost-tearful smile and reach up to pat at my face.
She says, “I wanted happiness for me, but I wanted it for you a million times more.I’d do anything for you.”This time, her sigh sounds thin.“It took me too long to prove that to you because I kept trying to hang on to him.Kept thinking our problems could be fixed and that you’d be able to keep your momanddad in your life, and I’d be able to keep my husband.You’ll never know how sorry I am for what we put you through.”
And here is where I’d hug her.
“It’s okay,” I promise her.“I’msorry for what he did toyou.You deserved so much better.But like I said, things are good now, and I’m beyond grateful for that and for you.”
“Mmm.”I can hear her smiling.“I’m beyond grateful for you, too, my love.And I’m proud of who you are.”
Once again, Maggie comes drifting into my mind.
Once again, I shove her away.
“I’m proud of whoyouare, Mom.”I catch the time on my dashboard and notice my windshield is clear now.“But hey, I gotta get off the phone so I can drive.I’m sorry we haven’t talked very long!”
She audibly perks back up.“Oh, now, don’t apologize!How long do you work, though, in case I do wanna come by?”
Our call wraps up shortly with I-love-yous and the possibility of a brunch visit from her.Then I hit the road.
