Page 109 of Who's Playing You
As calm as could be.
“What are you worried about, Scottie?” He implored me. “I’m clean. I would never put you in any sort of danger, you know that right?”
I did know that. He’d never intentionally do anything to hurt me. So I nodded my head.
“So if that’s a non-factor, because I can assure you, I’m as clean as they come. What are you afraid of?” He let that last question linger in the air before he followed it up with, “Getting pregnant?”
It felt like a lifetime passed before I could answer him.
“No, I’m not worried about you getting me pregnant, Nicholas.”
He cocked his head to the side in confusion because that was obviously the most logical fear to have, “You’re not?” He asked and his eyebrows shot up to his hairline.
I shook my head. “No. I’m not. Earl and I were trying for a baby for a while, and I just… I couldn’t get pregnant,” I shared with him while feeling the shame that I couldn’t perform one of the most fundamental things a woman should be able to do.
“But…” he began, “How do you know that not getting pregnant was an issue that solely lay with you?” He asked hesitantly and without judgement.
I cleared my throat and sat up a little straighter, effectively ending his breast massage. I brought my knees up and tucked them under my chin as I wrapped my arms around my legs.
“We went and spoke to a fertility doctor,” I began and he nodded. “So they advised that we both get tested. Earl said he’d get tested first, and if everything came back ‘normal’ for him, we’d know it was ameproblem. We somehow went with that logic, and so he told me a week or so after he went and got his test done that he was just ‘perfect’, those were his words. So then that meant that I was the problem.”
He fixed his posture and sat up straighter too, his eyes looking quizzical. “But, sweetheart, that doesn’t mean that there’s necessarily something wrong with you and that you can’t ever have kids. You didn’t go to the fertility doctor to get checkedout… You don’t know if you might have a hormonal imbalance, or something more serious,oryou could be perfectly fine. You don’t know for certain.”
“No, you’re right. I don’t.”
“But then… Why? Why didn’t you go to get checked out?”
“Because Earl convinced me it would be a waste of time and money. That we’d just keep trying for a little longer and then maybe in another six to twelve months we’d revisit it if by then I still wasn’t pregnant.”
“So why didn’t you? Go back to the fertility doctor?”
“Because there was no need,” I replied simply. “He left.”
Nicholas just looked at me, his hand then grabbed one of mine while his thumb stroked the skin on my hand.
“I can’t even imagine what that must have felt like, my love. And I’m so fucking sorry that you went through that. That that selfish prick put you through all of that. I hate him even more for doing all of that to you. Alright?”
A lone tear spilled over my eyelid without my consent and streaked down to my chin. Nicholas being Nicholas, wiped it with his featherlight touch. And he then caught the second one that followed it.
He leaned forward and gently kissed my lips.
“He’s an asshole, alright?” I nodded my head as I sucked in a fortifying breath. “And sometimes things work out for a reason. You weren’t meant to mix your beautiful DNA with his ratchet DNA. He didn’t deserve you. And he certainly didn’t deserve to create a life with you. That’s both an honor and a privilege. You realize that, right?”
I nodded my head again, trying to gather my emotions, still in disbelief at this beautiful and kind man who was stark-naked in front of me, comforting me.
“If you want, we can go to the fertility specialist together,” he said almost bashfully.
My eyes snapped to his.
My brain wasn’t grasping his meaning… I mean, how could it? We’d known each other for barely a minute, yet… Was he proposing…No.
“Yes. I am,” he replied as if he could read my mind.
“Yes you are,what?”
“Saying that I’min... That if you want to have kids, or look into it further, we’ll go see the best doctors there are. We’ll go see the best fertility specialists - if we need to. But, honey, you’re perfect. I highly doubt there’s anything wrong with you.”
I couldn’t but smile at this kind and beautiful man. He looked at me with his steel grey eyes and his ink-black hair that we’d made a mess of. He’d known me for such a short period of time, yet… He wanted some version of forever with me. Or the potential of it.
