Page 145 of Loving Ladybug: Part One
Tenzin put my face in his hands. “Gwen, Precious. You’renotthe reason he died. It was Lucius. A good officer died in the line of duty, and that’s devastating. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”
My chest shook a little. “Sometimes it feels like it was. If I’d relented to Lucius when I was younger, none of this would have happened.”
Some of my siblings told me that I should be flattered that he liked me and to accept him, since a beta like me would never find anyone better–and he was too good for me as it was.
“And be tied to an alpha you didn’t love.” Clark shook his head. “You deserve love, Gwen.”
Did I?
“Dead-matches rarely bond, because we’re betas. Marry, but not bond. There’s also not a ton of research on it. But we did. They think it had to do with both of us bleeding and all the adrenaline.” I turned away. No, I didn’t deserve them. “We bonded, then he died.”
Clark sucked in a breath. “The wolf who lost his mate who likes widows. He knew.”
I nodded. “Animals often do.”
Tenzin’s hand went to his heart, anguish in his scent. “That must have been so traumatic, Precious. I’ve heard it’s quite painful when your soulmate dies.”
“It hurt. Physically. It felt like my heart was going to stop. They said I wouldn’t let go of his body and I didn’t talk much for quite some time. It took everyone a while to figure it out,since I had no way to describe all this. No one, not even me and Officer Jones, knew we were dead-matches. I had no idea what had happened to me, just that it felt like my soul had been ripped from my body.”
I looked at them through tear-filled eyes. There had been so much pain and anguish. So many emotions.
Some I still didn’t fully understand.
I was lucky I even knew this much. So much of this was considered stories, not actual knowledge. One of the nurses noticed the way my scent changed and knew what it meant. She’d taken it upon herself to figure everything out.
“Now you know. The broken bond didn’t really affect my relationship with my ex, so I didn’t think it would affect my relationship with you. As you can see, it did. Also, how can you be sure I want to be with you because of you and not only because I’m trying to fill the cracks in my soul and you’re there?” I got up from the couch, then threw myself on the bed and sobbed harder.
There, I’d said it.
“Um, I know you like me, Gweny.” Clark crawled on the bed with me, straddled my back and started rubbing it. “This constellation,hope,” he traced my spine tattoo, “is because you have hope. Hope for love, hope for peace, hope for healing. It’s okay to grieve what you lost. It’s also okay to let go and move on.”
It was a fictional constellation from my favorite space books. But he was right.
“I try to have hope. But it’s hard.” It had been easy to go back to Austin, given he was familiar. He’d held on to me fast, helping me reenter the world.
“It can be.” Clark sighed. “Gweny, you’re not broken. Wounded, but not broken. People who lose their mates do loveagain, sometimes even mate again. I want to fill all those cracks up with cuddles and kisses until you feel whole.”
“I accept.” It hurt when your soulmate died. Sometimes you died, too.
There were times in those first weeks where I wished I had. Especially given no one understood. Originally, they’d thought maybe Lucius had managed to bond me. A posthumous bond test on him had been negative.
It wasn’t negative for me. Or for Officer Jones.
None of this was in my medical record, because even though it was a government test, itdidn’t count,since we were both betas.
“Thank you for sharing such a painful story.” Tenzin came onto the bed with us. He peppered my face with tiny kisses as Clark continued to knead my shoulders.
“Are you seeing someone for all this?” Clark asked.
“I was. It’s hard. So I stopped, and told myself lies, so I didn’t have to think too hard about it. But…” I sighed. “Matty wants me to go back to a specialist. He’s right. My alternate narrative could cause harm. Like I’ve missed a lot of everyone’s lives. Though my dadsareassholes and I want nothing from them. They abandoned me, didn’t find me fast enough, then after everything I’d been through, had the audacity to tell me that I should come back to Vancouver and leave behind the life I’d made for myself.”
That was the rub. I’d fought tooth and nail to make my own life. I’d been so young, and I’d still needed my family, my parents, and they all abandoned me for ‘my’ safety when it felt like it was more to protect them, their life, and their business.
Then they told me I belonged with them and should move back like nothing happened.
Like fuck I would.
They also didn’t like to be toldno,which was why I feared that one day they’d just take me.
