Page 124 of A Recipe for Love
‘But you were wrong about that meaning it wasn’t you that I was in love with.’ Bella swallowed hard. Bella was not a weeping person. ‘It was all for you, really…’ This next part was hard. ‘I think my mum wasn’t really around and dad not at all, and I know my nan loves me and I adore her but she was all about teaching me to find my own way and be independent and fly free, and I’m not sure I know how to be on the same team as someone.’
‘Do you want to learn?’
‘I…’
‘Simple question. Yes or no?’
‘I feel like we’ve been here before.’
He glanced out of the window across the expanse of grey. ‘Well not here exactly.’
‘Orange grove in the Spanish sun. Car park on a Yorkshire housing estate. It’s all the same.’ Bella half-laughed.
‘Is your answer the same?’
She nodded. ‘Yes.’
He closed the gap between them in an instant, leaning awkwardly over the gearstick, pulling her into his arms and pressing his lips to hers. She sank uncomfortably into the embrace for a second. It would be so easy to let this play out. Being in Adam’s arms felt right. It had always felt right, but they’d rushed back from Spain with so much unsaid. And her nan was right. Bella was someone who ran towards things. She placed her hand on his chest and pulled back. She asked him the question she should have asked weeks ago. ‘But what do you want?’
‘I want you.’
That was the right answer. She believed it was true, but they both needed more. She leaned away from him, turning to stare out of the windscreen at the bins behind the flats. ‘What do you want your life to be? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do with Lowbridge?’
‘So long as it’s with you, I don’t care.’
‘Yes. You do.’ Rushing towards the ‘yes’ would be easy, but ‘yes’ wasn’t a life. Yes was a good intention. A marriage started from that, but if she wanted the forever, rather than just the next three-month stopgap, it needed something more. ‘You decided you were going to sell the whole place without talking to me about it.’
‘I know.’ He leaned forward putting his head into his hands. ‘I should have talked to you weeks ago. I hate being the laird.’
‘What?’ How could you hate something like that? Adam was the kingpin.
‘I’m awful at it. I keep messing stuff up in the office and I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. You’re great. You have all these ideas and plans and I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t say anything because everyone was expecting me to be in control of everything.’
‘You could have talked to me,’ she insisted.
‘I thought I had to be able to do it all on my own.’
‘You don’t.’
‘I know. Darcy thinks I’ve been too hung up on duty and trying to be the sort of laird I think my father would be proud of.’
Bella hadn’t thought of it that way. ‘Is she right?’
Adam nodded. ‘It’s more than that though. My father was there for me when mum went. It’s hard to explain, but when your own mum goes… I don’t know. Mums are supposed to be there no matter what, aren’t they? That’s what everyone assumes, and when she’s not it leaves this sort of…’ He jabbed his hand against his gut. ‘Hole.’
‘I know.’ Of course she knew. ‘I think a bit of me never quite lets me feel safe anywhere, because I don’t quite believe it won’t get ripped away.’
He buried his head into his hands. ‘And then you started to feel safe and I ripped it away. I’m so sorry.’
‘No. You should have talked to me.’ She wasn’t letting that go. ‘But I need to find a better way of dealing with problems than just packing a bag.’
‘I do the opposite. I try to hold everything together and be the person everyone else needs me to be.’
‘Until you can’t any longer?’
He nodded.
‘I think we’ve both learned not to rely on other people,’ she suggested.
