Page 12 of To Tempt A Highland Duke
Guilt saw him close his eyes against the shameful memory of what his father had done. Finally he swallowed the choking fear and said, “I’m a large man. I’m bigger than most. The midwife who tried to help Connie told Angus the babe was too big, as all my bairns are likely to be. I loved you too much to lose you like that. It would have destroyed me. At least married to Iain, you were still in this world.”
She once again tried to clamber off his lap, but he held her tight. Her eyes flashed with anger. “So we could have married eight years ago. I could have been happy… we could have shared eight wonderful years together. You let me marry a man I did not love, all because of fear. I never took you for a coward. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for this.”
This time when she struggled in his hold, he let her rise. He forced himself to remain calm. “My mother died in childbirth too, if you recall, and then Connie died in childbirth… I’m even bigger than my father. Can’t you understand? I could not risk your life! You don’t know what it’s like to feel responsible for the death of a person, let alone the woman you love.”
She stopped her pacing and turned to face him. “At least I finally understand why you did what you did all those years ago. You should have told me. I thought, I thought there was something wrong with me, something you did not like.” He saw tears well again. “So you think it’s safe to marry me now that I can’t bear you a child?” She gave a bitter laugh. “What really hurts is that you only want me because I’m damaged.”
“I have always wanted you. Why do you think I stayed away from you? It hurt to see you with him. I don’t care about having an heir. Let my cousin take the title. It hasn’t made me happy, and my father’s pursuit of ‘pure bloodlines’ saw him leave a woman to die in agony, and he nearly cost me my son’s life. Nothing is worth that behavior.”
“I feel like I can’t breathe… My head is spinning.”
He stood and faced her. “Tell me one thing. Do you hate me for what I did?”
She was still pacing, but the flush of anger on her face was gone. “Honestly, I don’t know what to think, but I could never hate you.”
“Will you consider my offer of marriage then?”
She stopped pacing and looked at him. “I need to think. Denying me eight years ago set me down a different path. I’ve changed. My dreams, and wants, have changed. Did you know I was looking at remarrying?”
His heart missed a beat. “You have an offer?”
“No. I have only just decided I want to remarry. I’m still young and don’t want to spend my life alone. I have someone interested. There is a man who meets my criteria of what I desire in my next marriage.”
* * *
Flora could not believethat she was seriously considering walking out of this room without saying yes to Dougray’s proposal. A few years ago all she’d ever wanted was to be his wife, but not like this.
Not because he was afraid to have an heir. What would happen years later when he looked back and saw how stupid he had been, and that he would lose the title and estates? She might be angry with him now for what he did to her—to them—all those years ago, but Angus had always told her that Connie’s death changed Dougray. She had not understood how. The guilt he must feel… It had probably been festering all these years. If only she’d known.
“Who is he?” Dougray’s voice was tight.
She shook her head to clear it of any sympathy. She had to remain strong—for both of them. “That is none of your business. But what I will say is, you may think not being able to have a child is a blessing. Well, it has been my living hell. Giving birth to my child is something I want with all my heart.” She could not stop the quiver in her voice. “I feel like a part of me is missing.”
He frowned. “But you can’t have children even if you marry.”
“Perhaps, but I won’t know until I try. But there is a man who has three children under six, and if I were to marry him, I would have the children I crave. Not my flesh and blood, but I would love them as if they were.”
She watched him swallow and as his jaw tightened she wonder if it would break.
“Glengarry. I have noticed him sniffing at your skirts. He’s merely after a mother for his children.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Are you any nobler? What are you after? You want a wife who cannot have children. You both want me, but for different reasons, none of them involve love.”
“Not true. I love you so much I walked away.”
Did he? Or was he using their past to get what he needed now. A wife. A wife who could not bear a child so he might hold his fear at bay. She wanted a man to love her. He was saying all the right words, but how could she believe him? Suddenly, when the King insisted on marriage, he was here saying he’d loved her all this time. If that was true she just felt sad for all the wasted years.
She wanted to make him understand his mistake. “I would never have walked away from you, even if God himself told me you were the devil. That is how much I loved you.”
“But will Glengarry love you?”
She turned away and said, “I intend to take the time to find out.”
He swung her around to face him. “I have to announce my engagement in two days.”
“I’m sorry, Dougray, but I can’t give you an answer before then. I won’t be forced or rushed into making another marriage. The next time I marry, it will be to a man who loves me as much as I love him.”
It broke her heart, but she couldn’t say yes even if she wanted to. Then he’d be stuck with a woman who could not bear him an heir. She would not do that to him because she understood the craving to hold your own child in your arms. One day he would want that and then where would they be?
