Page 41 of Dear, Carson McDermott
She seemed genuinely surprised that I asked her.
“Uh, yeah… it was nice.”
Cassie decided to take this moment to interrupt.
“well, I’ll be on my way now. Girl, take my number down so that we can keep in contact.”
“I don’t have a cell yet, sorry. Maybe we’ll just stick to Facebook for now?” Katerina replied.
Cassie made a face that I couldn’t decipher just yet,
“Okay, that’s fine. Just ask your man for it, he has it.”
I cocked my left eyebrow,
“Nah, I don’ have it. I blocked you the first time you texted me and let me know who it was,” I shrugged my shoulders as I stood to let Brownie run towards the living room. “and before you offer it again, I don’ want it. Keep your fuckin’ conversations with Kitty, not with me.”
Katerina eyed me but there was no anger there just hints of lust in those big brown eyes. I shouldn’t be doing this right now, but I wanted her to know that I still wanted her. This brought my mind back to when I found her on that double date with Cassie. I had been watching her for a minute before I entered the diner. She was not into it at all and I could tell she got suckered into it but the way her eyes lit up when they saw me, that made me feel like I was the most important man in her life, well besides her dad. Katerina gave me a shy smile before looking at Cassie again,
“I’ll write to you on messenger, okay? Let me walk you out.”
Cassie looked from Katerina to me, there it was again, that same fucking expression. I rolled my eyes walking away. She wasn’t my friend, so I didn’t have to entertain her. I took my shoes off deciding to wait for Katerina on the couch so we could talk. There was so much I had never revealed to her about being with my mom and Ricardo but now, in order for it all to make sense. I had to tell her. As soon as I sat on the couch, Brownie hopped up in my lap. I shook my head; this one was going to be a clingy one.
Chapter 14
Katerina
After Cassie left, I met up with Carson in the living room. I could tell something was going on. He seemed quiet as he checked his phone and petted Brownie who had fallen back asleep on his lap. I took a deep breath as I went to sit in front of him on the coffee table, he immediately looked up at me. Before he could say anything, I knew I had to say something.
“I just want to say something,” I said. He opened his mouth to speak but I put my hand on his knee. “Please, listen to me… Look, I just want to tell you something that I should’ve realized when I thought you told me to go. At the time, the pain that I felt deep within me, I didn’t know how to express it. I didn’t know what to do with it and I only saw what I wanted to see. I fell into a deep depression. I believed that everything was my fault and that out of all people, that you would blame me for losing our son. Now, I understand that you would have never blamed me for it because you knew me as more than just your wife or his mother, you knew me as your best friend. I lost you in my sadness, I discarded you and you were still there for me. When I left, I fought with what I now know was the stronger side of me telling me that I was wrong,”
Carson was listening to me and the expression on his face warmed my heart. It reminded me of the country boy I met and fell in love with in high school. I sighed, continuing my speech,
“I can’t take back what I did. I seriously can’t but I want you to know something. The reason why I didn’t come back earlier was that I wanted to get better. For years, I was depressed and in such a bad place. Sometimes, I couldn’t even check in with Michel and he would get so worried. He understood what I didn’t at first. I owe him so much and one day, I’ll give him something to pay him back for all this. I just, I know you don’t trust me, Bubba but I want you to know that your best friend that I took away from you, I’m giving her back. I promise to be your friend. You may not want more than that and I understand but I won’t ever leave again.”
He stayed quiet for a second then he spoke,
“I talked to my father today, there are things you’re goin’ to want to know but before all that, I want to say, thank you. Thank you for comin’ back. I may not have realized how important it was before but now I do. I woulda never been able to ever be okay. I may have been upset,”
I narrowed my eyes. He chuckled for the first time with me,
“Okay, I was angry as hell but after talking to my dad, he made me see somethin’. I saw how lonely he was because he didn’t trust anyone anymore. I never thought about that before, how I never saw any woman around him as like a permanent thing. I don’ wanna be like him. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to trust you but I’m good with bein’ friends. Fore’ you jump to conclusions; I mean that let’s start off with being friends. You’re right, I did feel like you stole my best friend from me more than anythin’ else. Course I loved you as my wife, my lover, my comfort but I deeply loved you as my best friend and you took that from me. That’s why so many emotions traveled within me; I wasn’t sure if I would ever find someone who could take that loneliness away. The way I felt when my mother would throw me to the side, I didn’ like that, darlin’.”
I reached out for his hand but changed my mind last minute. Carson reached out taking my hand in his.
“I-,” I cleared my throat knowing it would be inappropriate to say that I loved him right now, but I did.
I loved this man, this dark angel of mine. Where were those demons now? Did they not see what was happening? All the things they whispered tirelessly in my mind about never being able to be forgiven, that Carson would never love me again… was a lie. It was all a lie.
Carson tilted his head to the left then the right reminding me of Brownie.
“Me too.” He said and I felt like we had overcome a huge milestone. One that felt impossible the moment we saw each other again.
I wanted to let him know that the relief I felt was insane.
****
Carson continued to soothe Brownie as he slept on his lap. His other hand was in both of mine. I didn’t want to let go of him; I just wasn’t ready to.
