Page 36 of Dear, Carson McDermott
I was grateful for my mom’s advice.
“Thank you, mama. I’m so glad that I called you,” I told her honestly.
“I’m so glad you called me too,” she replied. “Now, what I’m going to tell you is definitely going to alter things for you and Carson, not in a negative light but something you should’ve known a long time ago.”
My interest piqued as I quieted down to listen to her.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It’s about those two nights he didn’t show up at home.”
****
After getting off the phone with my mother, I made my way up the stairs to where Carson was asleep. I moved closer until I stood over him on the bed, he was knocked out. His hair was out of his face, so I got to see it clearly. I didn’t even stop my hand as it reached out touching his face. I traced over his bushy brows, his Greek-like nose, his long eyelashes, I let the softness of his beard tickle the tips of my fingers and lastly, my fingers lingered on his lips.
“I’m sorry,” I started. “I should’ve known what happened when you didn’t show up those two nights.”
Carson stirred but didn’t wake. Mom told me that Carson had stayed at Jude’s tombstone those nights and day. Dad had been the one to find him and sat there with him both nights. Mom said Carson didn’t lash out or anything, he just sat there in silence. Sometimes, tears would escape from his eyes, but he wouldn’t cry out loud. He just sat there taking it in that his son was gone from him. Mom told me what Carson had said to Dad; that he didn’t want to ever make me feel like it was my fault. He wanted me to stop crying in my sleep, to be able to just eat and breathe. To smile one more time but one thing he yearned for was for me to look at him again. To not hide from him because he couldn’t do this without me.
Shit. I was a fucking dummy. I slid into bed, positioning myself in front of him. I slipped one arm under his head, the other I wrapped around his neck. I laid my head on his shoulder. Pressing a soft kiss on it, I spoke,
“I should’ve looked at you in the eyes, Bubba. I should’ve given you the one thing you wanted, needed most from me. I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t realize he heard me as he pulled back. I shut my eyes tight, trying to pretend like this rejection didn’t hurt as much as the last one did. I had to be tougher than this. I couldn’t give up on him like this. Carson interrupted my thoughts,
“give it to me,” he said. It was less of asking and more commanding, but my eyes opened, nonetheless.
I gazed into his eyes as his was filled with intensity.
“You know I can’t let you go right?” I said to him.
“I don’ trust you anymore, darlin’,” he said. I knew the term of endearment was a slip of the tongue, but I didn’t care. I took it.
I nodded,
“I know.”
I felt as he began to pull away so I did the only thing I could think of. I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly. I shut my eyes. I thought the demons were gone but they bared their teeth at me as it seemed like Carson took his protection from me.Please… Don’t let go.I whispered in my mind afraid that if I said it out loud, I knew Carson understood as he sighed, I didn’t have to say a word. He wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me close to his body. He buried his face into my neck and fell back asleep. He didn’t see the smile that was on my face. He didn’t trust me, but I was going to make sure he could trust me again. We deserved to be happy, seven years of misinterpretation, miscommunication and other bullshit would have to kiss my ass.
****
Carson
I would be a liar if I said it didn’t feel good to have Katerina in my arms again but as good as it felt, I didn’t want to sucker myself into thinking this was a safe bet. I was a man and I didn’t have any problem admitting that I treaded carefully ever since she disappeared out of my life the first time.
When I woke up, Katerina was still asleep. I slowly pulled away so that she wouldn’t wake up. I didn’t want to linger but I found myself drawing closer to her again. I held her close to me once more taking in how much better this feels with her in my arms. I shook my head. No! I was supposed to hate her not want her back. I wasn’t lying when I said that I wanted to make her pay for leaving me, but could I truly do that? I didn’t know if that was something I could handle. I was frustrated with the confusion that I was experiencing, why did I care about this now? All because she gave me attention again. This wasn’t right at all.
My body reacted the moment I got out of bed; I shook my head disgusted that my body didn’t understand what my brain was trying to tell it. I checked my phone knowing that I had a mark to complete today, and other shit to do besides sitting here playing husband to my estranged wife. I stood from the bed shaking my head as I turned to look back at Katerina asleep in my big ass bed. This wasn’t good.
As I did my morning routines, I didn’t understand how I got here. What the hell was I going to do? One thing, I was holding on to was that I was not going to forgive her. I don’t trust her, and I don’t think I ever will. As I finished showering, brushing my teeth and all of that, my phone began to ring. I looked at it and smirked. It was Cross, I pressed the green button then put it on speaker,
“the hell you wan’?” I asked.
She laughed; her smoky voice erupted throughout my entire bathroom.
“Shut the fuck up,Manu,” I heard glass clinking which meant she was in another country with a time difference. “You got your assignment?”
I should’ve been honest with those around me that I wasn’t just an enforcer, I was a trained assassin. My father had trained me ever since he got full custody of me at five. I was surprised that I even stuck with the training away from him. Cross and I knew each other from a long time ago. We never used our real names over the phone especially when either one of us was in another country around strangers.
