Page 35 of Dear, Carson McDermott
“I didn’ . . .” I started then I changed my wording. “No. I still don’ blame ya for Jude’s death,” her eyes widened as tears escaped my lids. I sniffled wiping them and looking up at the ceiling to gain some composure.
I cleared my throat as I looked at her again, “Jude was our son. He didn’t deserve what he got but I can never blame you for what happened to him. You loved him just as much as I did. When I said it was too much, I meant not having him there. It ate me up at night to not see his Lil’ face. I couldn’ sleep by you cus’ I felt like I failed the both of you. You were also hurt in that car accident, it changed you for forever. It tainted your life and whenever I would come into the room to pull you close to me, you’d move out of my arms. You did this in your sleep so much, I moved to the couch to give you what you needed. Time and space.”
I poured my heart out like a fucking fool again.
“I,” Katerina began to speak.
I couldn’t handle it; I shook my head.
“I can’t, I jus’ fuckin’ can’t, Kat.” I backed up turning away from her this time, happy that she didn’t follow me but also disappointed. Which didn’t make any sense because I was supposed to still hate her.
Chapter 12
Katerina
I was glad we got to talking or should I call it an argument? Carson was so hurt, and I saw his pain so visibly, much more than I had ever seen. I shouldn’t have left; I knew this now and I felt like it was time I made it right. I should’ve talked to him about it all, yet I think deep down inside I was afraid. I was terrified that he would reject me and tell me exactly what my mind was conjuring up but now, as I sat here in the living room by myself, I knew that was wrong. This was what I always said I would never do. I said I would never leave him nor doubt him, but I did.
I sighed as I picked up my cell and dialed my mother. She picked up on the third ring,
“Mama?”
“You okay? Munchkin, what’s wrong? Do you need me to get on the next flight?”
This made me smile yet sad because I alienated them all. The people who loved me and I knew it was wrong, but I was ashamed. I was lost and hurting.
“No, you don’t need to do that. I just, I wanted to talk to you. I know that I may not be your best friend anymore, but I still consider you mine. I-,” I was cut off by her.
“You are my best friend Katerina. That will never change no matter what. I want you to remember that. Now, talk to me. I have all the time in the world, I wasn’t there for you for seven years and I don’t want to ever do that again. I want to always be there for you, please let me.”
My mother’s tone made me wish she was in front of me so I could hug her for a long time.
“I love you mom,” I said to her.
“I love you too, my munchkin,” She replied, and I knew wherever she was sitting, she was smiling.
I took a deep breath,
“I messed up mama. Like really bad. I was thrown in a very awful situation. One that caused me excruciating pain. The kind of pain I wouldn’t ever wish on my worst enemy and you know what hurts, is that I let go of the only person I had left that made sense to me in this cruel world. I was drowning in sorrows not just for myself but for Carson as well. I wanted to take on more than I could bear. I wanted to take his pain along with mine but in doing so, I didn’t give him the comfort he needed. I let him think that I didn’t want him anymore, mommy. I drove him away because I thought he didn’t want me. I read his good and selfless deeds as warnings to go. To just get away from him,”
I shouldn’t have but I sobbed this time. Speaking it out loud made things so much worse.
“Seven years, ma! I left him all alone for seven years. I let him sit there and hate me because I couldn’t communicate with him. I just couldn’t say the words instead I made them a burden. Jesus Christ! I don’t take all the blame, but I do admit my faults. I just wish he would let me hug him, let me take him in my arms and tell him how sorry I am. How much I loved him and that every waking day I thought of him, he’s saved me in more ways than he even knows right now.”
Mom didn’t say anything at first but then she sniffled, I knew she was crying along with me. I knew she heard the pain in my voice, in my words. The regret that overtook everything else.
“I’ve got one question for you, baby,” She said. “Are you listening?”
“Yes,” I sniffled.
“Do you still love him? Do you love Bubba?”
My chest ached at the thought of not loving him anymore.
“I love him so much mom that I would allow him to look at me with eyes full of hate and I won’t ever leave him again. None of that matters to me mama, only him. Leaving him again would make me stupid,” I chuckled bitterly realizing I was stupid the first time. “You know what’s crazy? He can say whatever that comes out of his mouth, but I guarantee you, the truth is in his eyes. The way they are so expressive, the way he watches me and lets me know how much I hurt him. I know this is bad, but I love him even more for that. Am I out of my mind, mama?”
Mom sighed on the other end.
“My lovely daughter, Katerina, you have grown. I knew that you guys would end up together but this, this is something else. I never thought you guys would love so hard and because of that, I have to tell you something but before I do, I want you to know that there is no such thing as being out of your mind when you want to be with the person that makes everything else go quiet. Yes, unfortunately, you left but sometimes, even the best and most amazing people leave. I know that it hurt him but who knows if it would’ve been worse had you stayed, I get that you and Carson are different people now, but I know that boy and I know you. No matter how much you deny that you love each other, the love shines so brightly. Give him time, everything heals with time, Baby.”
