Page 30 of Dear, Carson McDermott
Mrs. Di’Maggio gave me their room key despite her slight hesitation. When I made it into the room, I knew why. At first, I didn’t see her because I got distracted by a phone call from Mrs. Di’Maggio. I picked up quickly,
“Hello?”
“Bubba! Oops, I found them. Gabby took them with her. Just come on down, hurry up.” She said.
It was weird, why was she rushing me to come downstairs when they were going to tell me when they were leaving?
“Okay,” I answered and hung up.
Just as I was walking out of the room, I heard humming coming from the bathroom. I was a little bit confused until I recognized the song. It was the Greensleeves lullaby that Jude couldn’t sleep without. I hadn’t heard that since the day he died, and I couldn’t think clearly.
I stomped towards the bathroom wondering who the fuck had the nerve to hurt my heart even more. I could no longer take it. When I wrenched the door open, there Katerina stood in the glass sliding door shower. Had I not heard the shower, or had I refused to acknowledge that anyone else was in here?
She hummed the song as theclear as dayglass showed how she hugged herself while the water simply ran over her body. She didn’t have to tell anyone that it was a cold shower, but I could tell because nothing was fogging up.
I snatched the glass door back, causing her to jump. She looked frantic for a minute and then she saw that it was me. I saw the fear in her eyes, much more palpable now.Was she afraid of me?
Why did I even give two shits?
“Don’t fucking hum that lullaby!” I barked out realizing that those were my first words to her. “You have no right; you never once came to see him.” I accused her.
Katerina was holding herself again as if afraid to show me something. I eyed her from head to toe. She was much thinner than when I last saw her. Her skin no longer had its rich shine to it, her hair was down her back as if she maintained it at that length and the light in her eyes was gone. As my eyes raked over her, my body ran cold when I stopped at the marks that she was trying to hide.
I reached out grabbing her arms, stretching them out once I saw what she was hiding; Fading marks on her wrists. For some reason, this made me so furious that I saw red.
“How fuckin’ dare you!” I roared.
I didn’t care as I climbed in the shower with her. When I was like this, my actions were worse than anything else.
“Please,” she pleaded. Just like how I did when I searched everywhere for her.
Didn’t she realize, I didn’t give a fuck any more than she did when she walked out on me? She was my wife. We promised in front of our families and God that we’d help each other in the hard times but what did she go do? She ruined me so fuck her. That’s the mantra that I was trying to stick within my mind but why is it that something about her called out to me. Look at her now; weak, shivering from the cold-water torture she initiated on herself, determined to give me that remorseful expression.
She disgusted me so much that I drew nearer. None of this was making sense, that’s how fucked I was by her. I raised my hand up to her throat, grasping it as tightly as I could. She thought she could get rid of everything. Every memory, every passion, every confession and every loss we suffered together by coming back? Well, I think the fuck not. I lifted her up by the throat to meet me eye level. I wasn’t sure if she was crying or if it was the water from the shower that was getting me wet as well.
“I’m sorry,” she croaked out despite the hold I had on her neck.
I peered into her eyes wanting her to see that I wasn’t joking about a damn fucking thing.
“You don’ get to rid yourself of me. In this life that ya choose, you will stay alive. All the wron’ ya caused, all the pain you’ve inflicted. The emptiness you’ve expanded and fuckin’ hurt, agony, all that…” Gooseflesh appeared on her body. “I will give em’ back to you tenfold. You don’ get to go back home to your family because I am now and forever will be your family, Mrs. McDermott. You wanted this so this is what you’ll get. If you leave town, I will hun’ you down and bury you my goddamn self.” I leaned in closer wanting to see just how terrified I made her. I shouldn’t have but my tongue darted out as I tasted her tears. Tears that moved nothing in me… or did they? Fuck it, I don’t care.
The shudder that escaped her lips made me relax on the hold around her neck, I didn’t know what I was going to do next, but I never got to find out as the sounds of the music box infiltrated my mind again. The lullaby haunting me, and I set her down. I stepped out of the shower as if I were the one afraid of the threats I just made. My mind was gone as I walked out of the hotel room, not even looking back to see if she was leaving or not. I leaned against a wall, shutting my eyes and placing my hands over my ears.
“Please, go away. Not right now. Please,” I begged, knowing for sure that no one was around. No one could help me get rid of this lullaby. It was haunting me just like it used to do when Katerina first left me. It took so many years for me to get it out of my head,why was it coming back now?
I took in a deep breath and then I released another, just like my old therapist taught me. I should’ve stayed with her, but I couldn’t. She didn’t get it, nothing fucking worked beside the breathing exercises. If anything, that was the only good thing I got from her. She was a good therapist but trying to ride my dick was not part of my bill.
My mind was wandering mixing with the lullaby, giving me the distorted version. I shook my head hard then I repeated the breathing exercise once more. I focused on what I had to do later. There was a kill. I had to kill someone. I needed to focus.
Focus, Bubba. Focus on the target.
Chapter 10
Katerina
When Carson left the room, I shuddered, breaking down in the bathtub. I cried out convinced that I broke him. I didn’t mean it. I really don’t. I thought I was doing the right thing. I swear I just wanted to give him what he wanted so why did it feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life?
I had shut the water out, but I didn’t bother getting up. I hugged myself as I sat in there just trying to think of the positive instead of the threat that Carson said to me yet the expression in his amber eyes rendered me immobile. He didn’t get one thing though, as he threatened me to tell me, he’d bury me himself…I wanted it. I wanted him to end this sufferance, take it all away because I deserved it. The lashing out, the way he angrily spat every word. That was my fault. I made him into something or rather, someone I didn’t recognize. Those demons that I swear I escaped still lurked in the background. I felt their taunting cackles in the dark and hidden part of my mind.Let him hurt you, they said.You deserve this. It’s your fault. Let him bury you, you ungrateful bitch! Drown yourself in this sorrow and never come back up for air. You’re a coward! You couldn’t kill yourself but the only way to redeem yourself now is by being dead and staying that way!
