Page 31 of Dear, Carson McDermott
There was an imaginary hand over my throat ready to end it all.Die! Die, you stupid bitch!Then I heard him. I heard Carson’s voice as he screamed, begging for something to leave him alone. I wanted to go to him, so I mentally shook off the imaginary hand, deep down, I knew whose hand that was.Mine.
****
I didn’t know how long I had been in there, but I felt hands that came up taking me out of the tub. I shuddered at the contact of his tee-shirt on my cold skin. I looked up seeing Carson as he led me out of the bathroom straight into the bedroom. I expected him to throw me on the bed, but his gentleness unnerved me. He treated me like a wounded bird placing me on the bed, his eyes were still so intense as they glared in my direction. He was very much angry with me, but he didn’t choke me this time around. It was weird because I should’ve hated him for touching me in that way but instead, all it did was awaken a part of me that had died when he no longer touched me. The moment his touch was gone from my body, no other touch was wanted. I now craved for his touch, even if it meant him hurting me. What could I do to illicit such a touch from him? I knew how he felt towards me. The way he carried and placed me on the bed was with gentleness, yet his fingers scraped against my skin with harshness. The grip was painful, yet so satisfying because he was touching me. Nobody could touch me like Carson, he knew it, I knew it and the demons who were still cackling in the background wanted it more than I did.Hurt her, Carson. She deserves it. Look at you, you can do it. You’re her husband that she abandoned. Who the fuck does she think she is to hurt you like that? Her pathetic ass can see just how much damage she’s caused you, yet her weak self is watching instead of initiating. Push him! Push his buttons so we can all end you together!
I gazed at him, taking in the detail of how he had become now. He was still larger than me, but he was leaner, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was much more cut than when we were in college.
“I’m sorry,” I said to him again. There was nothing else I could do but beg him to forgive me for what I did, I knew that I walked away. I shouldn’t have but I did.
I didn’t need him to accept me back in his life, I just wanted him to know that I was sorry.
“Don’t.” He warned as he walked off.
I watched him as I thought he was leaving but instead, he went to the duffel bag that I kept some of my clothes in. Anything I had acquired over the years, I had either donated to the salvation army or sold. I never kept anything personal because none of it gave me pleasure. None of it felt right, it didn’t make me feel complete. It wasn’t Carson.
Carson came back with a shirt, yoga pants, socks, and my sneakers. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, I could get up and do it myself but as soon as I tried, I fell back on the bed. When was the last time I ate? I couldn’t remember because this was something that I did way too often. I forgot to eat, sometimes by mistake, and other times… on purpose. It didn’t help with the way my mind would wander. I would find myself losing the day over and over again because I’d be sitting somewhere staring out, just watching, waiting for something I knew I would never get back.Him.
Carson watched me carefully as if trying to see where else I hurt myself but there wasn’t any other mark on my body except for the small tattoo of Jude’s footprint on my lower tummy area and another one on my back. I don’t think he saw that one cause if he had, he would’ve mentioned it. Carson paused at that; he didn’t say a word, but he lingered on that small tattoo. He sat on the side of the bed pulling my upper body up as he helped me put the shirt on, then he moved on to helping me put my yoga pants on, he placed my socks and sneakers on himself. Meanwhile, there wasn’t a peep from him, and I began to panic, why was he doing this to me? Was he dressing me up so that he could kill me finally? I didn’t know this Carson and I would be lying if I said he didn’t scare me a lot more than anything else in this world… Would I be grateful that he was going to end it all or would I regret what that dark part of me wants?
He didn’t say anything else as he went back to my duffel bag, picking it up when he came to my bed scooping me up in his arms again. It felt foreign, strange yet comforting. His body ran hot while his heart and eyes ran cold when he looked at me. Not once had he even given me the satisfaction of knowing he took my apology for what it was worth, and it was worth a lot. It was worth so much, yet I knew he would never believe me again. I know that he thought I abandoned him, which in hindsight, I did but he wanted me to go. He didn’t want me there anymore and I understood because I failed him. He didn’t deserve this; he was a good man, one that I was beginning to think was long gone and if he wasn’t, it meant he refused to show that side of him to me.
I wanted to say I knew why I stayed away for seven years but I didn’t know the proper answer to that. At first, I had been so depressed that I couldn’t pull myself out of the abyss that I was falling deeper and deeper into. No matter how much I talked to Michel or rather pretended to be okay, I couldn’t go to him. Then a couple of years went by, nothing improved, and I was haunted by dreams, nightmares, daydreams of the moment before the accident. Jude’s little laughter, the way his amber eyes lit up when we sang along to a song on the radio. The way he clapped his little hands in his car seat giggling at my crazy antics. We were at a red light when I looked up at him and he at me. He smiled, reminding me so much of Carson then his last words were, Mama, I love Daddy this big!He spread his arms as far as he could then he’d go on and say,But, I love, love, love, love youuuuuu.
This was his thing, he loved to tell me how much he loved his father and me. My heart had warmed at that. There was no regret in my life because this little boy that belonged to me and the only man I loved, told me that he loved us right back. The light turned green, I made my way and within seconds, less than a minute, we were hit. I don’t remember ever screaming or crying out, but I called out for Jude yet the silence in the car was deafening. He didn’t die on impact instead he was thrown out of the car but that wasn’t what killed him. I could never bring myself to revisit what took my angel from me, I refused to ever revisit that moment. The only thing I focused on was that he used his last breath to tell me how much he loved me and his father. Our little angel. Our only angel.
I shouldn’t have but I cuddled more into Carson’s arms as we got into the elevator. I didn’t care where he was taking me but all I knew was that I wanted to feel his warmth one last time before I lost him. Before he snatched his warmth away from me, I turned into his chest and sobbed. I wanted to stop crying but nothing, no one could stop this, and Carson cursed under his breath. The pain of what I endured, the loss expressed in his eyes and the realization that even though I was able to get help to get out of depression, the lingering effects called to me as those it was a siren and I was its sailor man. I wanted to get rid of that demon. I knew which demons lurked there; there was depression calling me back, wanting me to embrace with it and forever be with it. Then, there was guilt, it blamed me for everything that happened. For losing my son, watching him lose his life in front of me yet not being able to do anything about it. The last of the demons was so strong, I wasn’t sure if I would beat her. That demon masked itself taking my face as though it were me, but I knew who she was. She was suicide. She wanted me to end it all and never look back. There in the darkness, all three called to me as though I owed them something. Sometimes, I tuned them out and other days, I cry so hard. Like right now, she wanted me to kill myself so badly but how could I do that? How could I leave Carson here, all alone in this world? Didn’t I take enough away from him? I took his son and my love from him even though, he wanted me to. It didn’t mean I had to. He saved me in more than one way, he was the only light in my dark mind even if he now appeared as though he belonged to the dark; he was my dark angel.
He didn’t make any attempts to stop me from crying and luckily, no one got in the elevator. When we exited, I didn’t care about a damn thing but a moment after, I heard a door slam so loudly which prompted me to hang on to Carson tighter. My fingers reached out, gaining the strength, I held onto his tee-shirt not wanting him to discard me. I didn’t want him to be out of his arms. This was the only time the thoughts, the demons and everything else quieted down. When I was around my dark angel, he rescued me from the brink of death. Each time, I felt his light but rough touch, I wanted to live. Push me to live, Carson, please. Don’t let go of me again, don’t tell me to go away from you. I can’t do it a second time. It’s too much. I didn’t want to go anywhere else without him.
“Please,” I begged. My sobs intensified. “Please, make it stop, Carson. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much but it won’t go away. Make it hurt less, I’m begging you.”
I felt Carson’s arms tighten around me.
“Shhh,” He shushed me as he rocked me side to side. “It’s okay… It’ll stop. It will stop. Trust me.” The sincerity in his words alarmed me because I didn’t expect it, yet it soothed me at the same time.
I held on for dear life. It was selfish, it was wrong, but I couldn’t let go of the only man I’d hurt. I needed him to heal and he needed me even if he threatened to end my life. I made a decision as I sat in his arms, he comforted me when not too long ago, he spewed vicious words my way. Those vicious words betrayed him even more than he wanted them to. If he wanted me not to see right through him, then he wasn’t hiding enough. I saw the hurt, the pain that we both had deep within us as though it were coursing through our veins. My mind had never been so clear as I made my decision, I would take whatever punishment he wanted to give me head-on. Each vicious word would be met with a yearning for more. I would eat it all up getting full of his words because I needed to hear them. I had never had any other clear though before as I had right now. I wouldn’t complain, I wouldn’t falter because I owed him this much and even more. He deserved to hate me, but I loved him. He deserved better yet I wouldn’t let him go. I will heal him because I broke him.
****
Carson
When I walked back into the hotel room, the sight of Katerina still in the tub that I left her in this morning freaked me out. I had so many questions and I needed her to answer them but seeing her in this state caused a part of me that I thought I buried, come out. It was so protective of her and her fragile state. I wasn’t sure who could come in and take advantage of her in this state, I didn’t even want to think about that. When I first left her this morning, I didn’t expect her to be here. In the same spot, I knew she didn’t leave with her family because I said goodbye to them before they got on the jet yet finding that Katerina didn’t run away this time from me raised questions. So many questions yet no time for her to fully process what was going on. Even when I stepped closer to her to scoop her up in my arms, she didn’t fight me. She didn’t say a word, she just let me do it. Why? I saw the fear in her eyes earlier so why was she just let me do this now? This wasn’t the Katerina I knew. She was a fighter, she always had something to say but now, it was like that part of her was also where that part of me was too. Hiding in the shadows, trying to remain dormant but would it though?
I dressed her, fighting the urge to hold her. I didn’t want her to think that we were okay because we definitely weren’t. I still hadn’t forgiven her for leaving me like that. When we got out of the room, I thought about my actions and what I was doing. Was I really going to keep her by me? And what was so good about it? Maybe if I kept her around then I could channel my anger much more by looking at her. My father always taught me to face my fears, hold on to the one thing that brings you anger and execute your enemy with it.
I just didn’t expect her to begin sobbing in my arms. This was different. When we lost Jude, we tried, God, we really did try to comfort each other but we were so young. We were filled with such grief. Sometimes, when she slept in the night, I’d come in the room and hold her as she cried for Jude in her sleep, but I couldn’t be there when she woke up.
I saw the way she looked at me; the sadness in her eyes, the guilt that ate at her core, but I wanted her to know that I never blamed her. I knew she had no control as to how we lost our son. She wasn’t the enemy. I really tried to tell her, I did but I knew that although, she wanted me to be with her. At the same time, she really didn’t. She once said what she loved so much about Jude was that he was the spitting image of me from my amber eyes to the way he smiled. Jude always had a way of making his mother smile in such a way, it would light up her entire face. Sometimes, I was jealous of their relationship, but she said she used to be jealous of the way Jude and I were. So how could I not see the anguish she faced when she would make eye contact with me yet turn away so quickly, you’d think I was the disease that she needed to escape.
When we reached the parking lot, I wanted to put her in the car and drive off, but I couldn’t. I climbed in my truck, slamming the door due to my anger yet I held her so close to me as I let her cry. I don’t know what made me comfort her. I just had to. I needed her to be stronger than this because it was hard to hate someone who was so weak. How could I hate a woman who begged me to make the pain go away? I loved this woman with my whole heart, I can’t clarify that now, but I know I once did so how can I enjoy her being this weak?
****
Settling her into my house wasn’t that hard. I let Katerina sleep for a couple of hours until I had to get her up. It was showtime. I walked into my room, shaking her a bit.
“Get up,” I gruffly said.
In another world, another time, I would’ve woken her up with kisses, showered her body with love, unfortunately, this wasn’t then. This was now. She grumbled but eventually opened her eyes. When her eyes made contact with mine, she practically oozed fear.
