Page 56 of Dear, Carson McDermott
“Shhh,” Carson said to Jude. Carson didn’t care about anything as he laid down where Jude was in the fetal position. He wrapped his arm around our son. He smoothed the curls from his face. “You’re okay, Jude. You’re not there anymore.”
I laid down facing Jude, I placed my palm on his cheek. Softly rubbing my thumb over his features. Features that I’ve missed.
“You’re safe,” I said to him and from the sound of my voice, Jude opened his eyes. “I love you, Jude. I’ll always love you.” I said to him.
Those amber eyes that I thought I’d never get to see ever again, were staring right at me now. He watched me with such uncertainty. I didn’t blame him. We were supposed to protect him, but we didn’t. We didn’t know and I would forever cherish this child of mine. I will forever protect him from any harm. I wanted him to know that I loved him with everything I had in me.
Carson began humming Jude’s favorite lullaby. It must’ve triggered something in Jude because he began to cry. I have never wished to heal someone as much as I wished to heal Jude. I wanted to take all his sorrow away. All the pain that he has endured, both physically, emotionally and mentally. Carson continued to run his hands through Jude’s hair to soothe him. I wasn’t going to tell Jude to not cry it out, he deserved this moment to know that we were never going to return him to those demons. They didn’t deserve to live, and I smiled because I knew their days were numbered.
I sighed as I eyed both my boys. The two that I yearned for. After looking at Jude, I peered up at Carson,
“I’m going to get the bath ready for him, okay?”
Carson shut his eyes and opened them again,
“okay.”
I could tell he was thinking about the pain that he endured. Pain that he should’ve been able to forget as a young child, but he could never. I didn’t know what to even say to Jude. He was ten years old, he endured pain for seven years with those sick fucks. I wanted to hug him and erase everything. He didn’t deserve this.
****
Carson
I brought Jude to the bath that Katerina set up for him. I still held him close to me not wanting to let go for fear that this still wasn’t real. I reluctantly set him down and I turned to walk away giving him privacy.
“Can you stay with me?” He asked.
I quickly turned to face him,
“Oh! Uh, yeah. I’ll just hang back on the sink counter until you’re done.” I said to him.
He nodded as he began discarding his clothing. I sharply inhaled as I saw the markings of a fresh whooping. My hands shook as I crossed my arms. I didn’t want to react or make him uncomfortable but his whole back and the back of his legs were covered in bruises. Some were old and others were fresh. Jude didn’t flinch or say anything as he got in the bear claw tub. I watched as he sunk all the way in, luckily, this was one of Beau’s houses, so the tub accommodated him. He dipped his head under the water, I didn’t move or say a thing as he stayed there for longer than a minute but then he came back up.
“I just,” I squeezed my eyes shut. It pained me to ask my child this, but I had to. “I need to know, did they ever, have they ever touched you?”
“No, they didn’.” He answered and I let my breath go a little too prematurely because he wasn’t finished talking. “I never gave em’ a chance to. I learned to lock my door after the first nigh’ he busted in there drunk off his mind. He looked at me like he wanted to say or do somethin’ but…”
When Jude paused, I swear my heart stopped as well. My entire world froze, was I even breathing right now? I opened my eyes the same time that Jude turned to face me, his eyes were sad, and I knew he was afraid. I let a breath out. I had to be strong for him, I needed him to know that I was never going to make him feel unsafe. I uncrossed my arms, holding onto the sink instead.
“I want you to know somethin’, Jude. You will forever be safe. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you before. I’m sorry that I wasn’ there when you needed me most. I should’ve searched for you and never gave up. For that, I will forever be at fault. I just hope that you forgive me one day for failing as your father.”
Jude quickly wiped the tears on his face. As he did that, I noticed a scar on his chest. It started from his collarbone stopping right above his left ribs. I opened my mouth to ask him about it, but he continued what he was saying,
“Sometimes,” He started as he looked down. His face was covered by his shoulder-length curls, he was hiding from me as if he were ashamed. “when I would forget to lock my door, PawPaw would come in all piss drunk when he didn’ get what he needed from his brother, like drugs or whatever he dabbled in. He’d never touch me, but he’d wake me up then stand over my bed and ya know? He’d keep eye contact with me through the whole thin’ and I couldn’t’ look away because I learnt my lesson the first time I did that.”
I wanted to control my anger so bad, but I was losing sight of everything in front of me. I heard a crack on the sink, and I knew it was me that did it. I just couldn’t feel the pain. I held on to the sink so hard that I cracked it. I knew my own strength that’s why I always held back but I couldn’t do this anymore. My child had been subjected to such filth, so much perversion at his young age when he didn’t ask for it. That sick motherfucker and his disgusting witch of a wife had the nerve to kidnap my child and do this to him? They scarred my son and I couldn’t think of what I would do to them. Would I hang them upside down and stab them repeatedly? Or would I chop Ricardo’s dick off and feed it to him inch by inch? Maybe I’d let him gag on it then I’d cut his insides out while he was still breathing. I didn’t know but something was going to happen.
As for the woman who birthed me. Fuck her. She watched my son get destroyed just like how she did me. I was considering burying her alive in the woods but not making it too deep so that way any animal that passes by can dig her up and eat her while she’s still trying to not die.
The confessions of Jude triggered a memory that I buried so deep within me that I never thought would resurface. That fucker, Ricardo did the same thing to me, but I was too young to understand what was going on. It never registered in my mind what was going on so I blocked it out but now, I couldn’t help it as my knees began to buckle but I held on. I was not going to make my son feel like I didn’t care about what he had to say. I knew how hard this was for him, I didn’t even know how I was going to tell his mother all this.
“I’m so sorry, my son. I’m sorry for all that you’ve endured. I just wish I could’ve done somethin’, I ju-,” I didn’t get to finish my sentence because I did the only right thing I knew how.
I did what my father once did for me when I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t remember the man that used to be in the nightmares that I used to have as a child so I would cry telling my dad that someone was in my room. Someone was hovering over me, but I could never see his face and now I knew why.
I quickly got into the bathtub pulling my child into my arms as I cried for both of us. I kissed the top of his hair. No one would ever get to hurt him again. No one.
“Daddy?” he called out to me and I hugged him tighter for trusting me already.
