Page 53 of Dear, Carson McDermott
“Thank you, sir, I gotta go add it to my collection for my daddy! He used to play football!”
“Jude!” Ricardo yelled out this time and I saw a wave of fear in his eyes so palpable, I wanted to kill Ricardo right now.
“Uh… Gotta go!” He didn’t even take the keychain as he ran to where my mother and Ricardo were.
I snapped out of my shock and began to walk towards them but then I felt as my brother wrapped his arms around me.
“No Bubba, not yet,” Beau said but I was lost.
“No!” I roared out not giving a damn if they saw me.
In hindsight, I could see how much I was ruining the mission, but I didn’t care. I tried to get out of the hold that Beau had me in, but he had the advantage this time because I wasn’t thinking. I saw as my son, my precious baby who was supposed to be dead, walk out of the mall with the two people who ruined my life. They kidnapped my son. They took him from me. I couldn’t hold it in as I raged. I knew people were watching Beau and me as if I needed to be checked into a mental institution, but I didn’t care. I wanted my child back in my arms. They took everything from me. How could they do this to me? I screamed as if I was being burned alive. There was so much in me that wanted to escape. I wanted to kill them in such a way that I knew I had never done before.
I don’t know how we ended up on the ground, but I was in Beau’s arms as he rocked me back and forth. He didn’t care that people watched us, all he cared about was me.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Carson. I’m here. We’re here. This ends. It’ll end.”
I was going to rip out every organ that was in Ricardo’s system because the fear that I saw in Jude’s eyes was the fear that I once had before my father rescued me.
****
I blame myself. I should’ve checked his body myself. When I opted for the closed casket wake, I should’ve opened it one more time just to make sure that Jude was in there. I remembered what the paramedics and the hospital said, they told me that my child was unrecognizable, and I didn’t have the heart to put Katerina through more when I went to check the body. She was already suffering from the car accident, but Jude got the worst of it all. The doctors gave me the clothes he was wearing that day or rather what was left of it, his little chain that we got him for his birthday and even dental records showed that it was Jude.
Was I that distressed that I couldn’t see that it wasn’t my child laying on that coroner’s table? Or did I ignore the coroner himself? I racked my brain as I sat there in the car with Beau. I hadn’t said a word ever since I flipped out at the mall.
I ended up being escorted to the hospital but halfway there, I threatened the paramedics and they let me out. Beau was following with his truck; he didn’t question me as I got out of the ambulance. Instead, he nodded at me and we drove off while the paramedics wondered what the hell to do. I sighed thinking about the way my child looked at me. He looked so hurt as I did. Of course, I didn’t see any apparent bruises on him, but I didn’t have to. That faraway look in his eyes, I recognize it with every picture I’ve seen of when my dad took me. It took me so long to get that expression out of my eyes. I could only imagine how much he endured throughout these years. Seven years was how long I was away from him. The guilt ate at me because I didn’t search into this as I should’ve. I was pulled out of my thoughts as I heard my father’s voice blast through the car speakers,
“what the fuck did you just say, Bear? Jude is what!” I didn’t have to be in front of him to know that he was seething.
“Yeah…” Beau said as he glanced my way for a second before looking back at the road.
“Go get him!” My dad yelled. “Turn that fuckin’ truck aroun’ and get my grandson or else I will put a bullet in your ass, Bear. I will shoot you if you don’ get him away from those fuckin’ monsters.”
My dad’s accent was full-blown when he was mad. Beau sighed,
“Cross is on it. She’s getting their address as we speak. The address that they are registered under isn’t theirs. They don’t live there, pop. I’m gon’ get him. He’s my nephew too, remember? I never got the chance to meet em’, I gotta make it up to him now. Just, trust me okay?” Beau knew how to talk our father down a lot.
“Fine. How’s your brother doin’? Where’s Bubba?” He was worried.
“He’s out of it, dad.” If Beau called him dad, it means shit was bad. Did I seem that bad? I could hear everything and look around, but I couldn’t get myself to speak. Something was wrong. “He…Dad, Carson hasn’t spoken. He’s doing what he used to do when he was younger. He’s withdrawing. We need to find Jude soon.”
“We’re on our way.” Before Beau could say anything. My father hung up. I wanted to ask who “we” is, but I didn’t have it in me to ask.
My mind ran a mile a minute as we pulled up into the garage of where we were staying. I got out and walked through the garage into the Livingroom. As I turned, making my way towards the dining room where everything was set up, Katerina ran up to me. She was frantic,
“is it true?” she peered up at me. She had been crying. I could see it from the red in her eyes. “Is he?”
I wanted to answer but I was so out of it still. I reached into my pocket and I gave her the football keychain. She dropped to her knees gasping for air. The way that she reacted triggered me. I would’ve never hurt her like this. If I could, I would’ve saved her from all this. I didn’t even know what happened but next thing I knew, I was in the living room throwing the furniture. I ran to the flat screen hooked up to the wall and I raged. As I punched it repeatedly, this time tears ran down my face as I screamed.
“WHY! WHY ME? I’M GON’ KILL YOU! I’M KILLIN’ EM’ ALL!” I could hear myself screaming but I felt so detached from myself.
ARGHHHH!I roared feeling like someone was snatching my heart out of my chest. Everything just hurt so damn much. In the back of my mind, I wanted to be here. Be coherent, at least to soothe Katerina’s pain but I couldn’t. I felt like I was going to lose her all over again, but I didn’t know who I was at this moment. Who was Carson? I didn’t know anymore. I was stripped of everything because my mother and her husband decided to ruin me. They took everything from me.
I yanked the tv off its hinges on the wall and threw it, I was in a blind rage. I don’t remember the last time I lost it like this but then I heard Beau as he screamed.
“Katerina! No!” He yelled.
I didn’t turn in time to see what I had done but it was good that I didn’t because I felt her small arms around my waist.
