Page 15 of Marriage Ever After
“I want to help her doc. I want my wife to stop hurting and stop feeling like we don’t love her. I love her with all my heart, and I’d do anything for her but she’s scaring me. I don’t want to lose my wife but I’m at a crossroad right now.”
She tilted her head.
“What crossroad, Kash?”
I sniffed, a bad habit of mine when I was agitated.
“Can I be honest here, bare it all? You said it’s a good thing to do, yeah?”
Dr. Harrison nodded.
“Alright.” I couldn’t look at Mila as I said what was really on my heart. “What has been going on this whole time in my head is that she said it was my fault. That I got her pregnant on purpose. I would never do that to her. She was always first. The main priority and yes, I wanted more kids, but I would’ve never forced her. That’s why we were having so many arguments. I wanted to understand so that my mind could make sense of it. But, now she’s pregnant and all I could think about is how much she wants to abort this baby. Now, don’t get me wrong. She is entitled to make any and every decision on her own body but what about me? What if I don’t want her to go through with it? What about my opinion? Or how I feel? Does that matter at all? I’m not taking this away from her or what she is experiencing. I could never begin to even comprehend the strong will it took for bunny, I mean, Mila to only start showing drastic symptoms now. Your words, not mine. But I just, I don’t know… I don’t want to lose either of them… I want my wife, and my kid but in every scenario, I’m losing.”
I felt the tears as they trekked down my face. I swiped at them. When was the last time I fucking cried? Oh yeah, when my fucking mother told me she never wanted me. I didn’t want to be my old man. I worked so hard not to be him but now, I was in that same predicament. I wanted to have a fair chance to say something for this seed that may never get to meet me. I stood, wiping my tears, I sniffled.
“I can’t do this shit right now.”
With that, I walked out. I didn’t have to wait for Mila because she drove here saying that being in the same car as I was suffocating her too. I clenched and unclenched my fists as I rode the elevator all the way to the main floor. I needed to smash something so instead of heading towards my firm, I went in the opposite direction; home to the only place I could think clearly,my swimming pool.
Mila
When I got back home, Kash and Jordan were spread out on the living room floor. Jordan had her arts and crafts out while they laid on a sheet that protected our hardwood floor from Jordan’s mishaps. Today, wasn’t as bad as yesterday neither was it too bad even though Kash walked out of the session. Dr. Harrison made me analyze Kash’s emotions and get a read on what was going on. I thought as she did, positively and that Kash wasn’t actually mad at me. He was just frustrated because he didn’t know how to help me. She encouraged me to talk but the moment I opened my mouth, I closed it back up. I turned to leave but Jordan calling my name out, caused me to turn back. I missed her little voice.
“Mommy! Look what me and daddy did for you!” She jumped from her position.
I analyzed Kash as Dr. Harrison said to do. He glanced at me then looked back down concentrating on whatever drawing he was doing with Jordan. His body language told me all I needed to know. He was tense, his face was kept on neutral as though he didn’t want me to know what he was feeling. I stared at him wishing he could just hold me one more time. I couldn’t deny that I loved him but sometimes, I looked in the mirror and just felt like I wasn’t good enough for him or Jordan. He didn’t get it; how could we bring another child into this world when I was such a horrible mother? He saw it, didn’t he?
Look at me, Kash. Call me your bunny, one more time. I just need to see you.
As if he heard me, Kash peered up at me. He clenched his jaw; this man was the epitome of perfection. He was so beautiful to me. A beautiful yet flawed man and I couldn’t help but be hopelessly in love with him. Kash didn’t look away as I thought he would, he just watched me and the look in his eyes transformed from neutral to desire. The fact that he still desired me was something that in the back of my mind I knew yet I was still shocked by it. Kash licked his lips, his telltale sign that he was turned on. I opened my mouth one more time but the words I wanted to say to him, didn’t leave.
“Mommy!” Jordan called out to me, this time she slipped her little hand in mine.
The contact shocked my system. I held on to her little hand as I looked down at her. Tears were in my eyes as I looked at my baby girl. She was perfection like her father. So beautiful in her own way. Her hair had gotten longer as it was in its natural curly state. So full of life something I wanted to resemble. She had on her old tie-dyed tutu and an old shirt that I was sure once belonged to her dad. He had tied it tight behind her.
“Jordy…” I called her name out.
My baby looked up at me, confused by my sudden change of emotion. I looked at Kash, he watched me cautiously as if afraid that something would happen with Jordan. Did he not trust me with her? Did he think I would ever hurt her?
“Go head, Jordy, show mommy what you made her.” Kash’s voice infiltrated my thoughts and I looked up at him as he started cleaning up. “I’ll take care of this; you go to her room and see what she did.”
For the first time in a while, I gave Kash a small smile, but he had already turned away from me. He didn’t get to see that I appreciated that he trusted me with our daughter. Jordan pulled me away from her father as he stayed behind. I turned one more time to look his way before turning the corner to the hall and he was looking right at me. This brought me back to a time when Kash’s eyes were always on me. He loved just watching me, it wasn’t unsettling or anything because the gaze filled with admiration in his eyes was so apparent. Kash wore his emotions on his sleeves so whether he was upset, beyond angry, turned on or just plain old in love, you could see it.
Talking to Dr. Harrison made me question my negative thoughts more than before. It made me think back to how they were always there. I questioned things more than I should, and I always seemed to think they would never turn out to be better yet Kash hadn’t left. He was here.
****
After seeing the drawings that Jordan made for me, for the first time since I was diagnosed, I spent the afternoon and evening with her. Kash came to check on us sometimes but other times, he was holed up in his office. Dr. Harrison encouraged me to spend time with Jordan and that I would see slowly that she would always need me. It may not be for every little thing, but she would still always call out to me for help. I was always going to be her mother. Before I could do anything, there was a sudden sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything that I had. The sick feeling washed over me not giving me a chance to really leave the bathroom and then after a couple of heaving fits, I was able to rinse my mouth and get out.
When I exited the bathroom, Jordan was there looking worried as ever.
“Mama, you okay?”
I nodded. I placed a finger over my mouth.
“Shh, don’t tell daddy, okay?”
Jordan gestured with her mouth zipping it. I smiled at her as I instructed her to go back and play. I went into the guest bathroom and brushed my teeth then as I left it, I found myself in our bedroom. I stared at the bed, missing it. I couldn’t think straight as the ghost feeling of Kash’s hands exploring my body took me out of this moment and into a memory of us.
