Page 106 of Fear of Love
Landon was quiet for what felt like hours. I for sure thought he was going to say no. When he nodded, I had to hold back a sigh of relief.
“We’ll only be a second.” I quickly slipped back out the door before the guys could ask any questions. The guys were nosier than women and were probably gossiping about why I needed to talk to Landon.
With Landon behind me, I led him down the hall. Once we were a few doors down, I cautiously opened one, peeking in to make sure it was empty. I fiddled with my rings as I stepped inside, Landon shutting the door behind him with a click. It was another bedroom with a dresser, end tables by the bed, and an attached bathroom.
Silence enveloped the space, and it was the most awkward it’s ever been between us. I turned to face him, my breath hitching in my throat. His hands were tucked into the pocket of his dress pants, eyes staring right at me.
I could see the questions swirling in them. He was holding himself back from talking first, but since this was my fault to begin with, I knew I had to be the one to start the conversation.
“How are you?” I asked and inwardly winced at my choice of words.Seriously, Lydia?
Landon’s response was short. “I’m fine.”
“Oh, good. I’m glad you’re doing okay. I’m sure you’ve been busy with the wedding and Wyatt.” I was rambling, but I couldn’t seem to stop.
“Lydia.” Landon’s voice stopped me. I closed my eyes briefly at him saying my name. He didn’t call me Blondie. “What do you want?” He said it in such a dismissing voice that my heart broke.
I took a seat on the edge of the bed and inhaled a deep breath. It was now or never.
“I met Jared when I was twenty-one at university,” I said, starting from the beginning. “I was out with some friends at the local bar celebrating my birthday. He was there with his own friends from the lacrosse team.”
In my head, I replayed the moment I met him. The handsome brunette who was a year older than me and charming as hell.
“I forget how our friend groups started talking, but eventually, the two of us hung out. We spent the entire night in the corner talking. We clicked instantly. Maybe it was his easy smile or the way he seemed to listen when I talked.”
I rolled my eyes at my younger self.
“What started out as just talking turned into hanging out everyday. I would go to his lacrosse games. He would bring me coffee when I got out of class. He never asked me to be his girlfriend. We just started dating and that was that.”
Landon stayed by the door and didn’t say a word as I talked. Part of me wished he was next to me, but I understood he needed distance.
“It didn’t take me long to fall in love with him. He was everything I thought I wanted and needed. In my eyes, he was the ultimate boyfriend. And when I met his family, it was like I was getting a shot at having something I didn’t have before.” For the first time in my life, I had a family, or at least the chance to become part of one.
“We both graduated six months later,” I continued. “He was a year older but had to stay an extra year to get enough credits. Afterward, we moved in together. I worked at some horrible newspaper job while he worked at his parent’s bank. Things were good or at least I thought so.”
It was amazing how blind you could be when you were young and in love.
“We didn’t see each other a lot, thanks to working, but when we did, everything was fine. He would still surprise me with coffee or little gifts, and when I could, I would drop by with lunch.” I paused for a second before continuing.
“One afternoon, almost a year into living together, I went to his office to tell him that an article I had written was going to be in the paper.” I looked down at my dress as I spoke, hands playing with the fabric. “I found him kissing some woman on his desk. He apologized and apologized. Swore it was a one time thing, and it meant nothing. That she came onto him, and he fired her. And like a complete idiot, I took him back.”
My stomach churned remembering it. Remembering how stupid and naive I was. Letting him convince me that he was going to change. That he would never do it again, and it was just a one-off.
“He spent weeks making it up to me, and things were better than ever. It was like we were back to when we were first dating.” I took a shaky breath. I couldn’t bring myself to meet Landon’s eyes as I talked, afraid he would judge me for taking someone back after they cheated on me.
“Having grown up the way I did, I was always so afraid that he’d leave, and I’d be alone. I had it in my head that if my mom left, why wouldn’t he. So, when he proposed three months later, I said yes.”
I felt the bed dip beside me as Landon took a seat, forearms braced on his knees as he listened to me. I briefly glanced up, seeing his jaw was tight, like he didn’t want to hear about Jared proposing.
“I took care of everything for the wedding. Jared worked long hours and never showed up to the cake tastings or to look at venues, but I wrote it off. He was trying to make more money to pay for the wedding—that was how I justified it in my head. Well…” I took a shuddering breath as I prepared myself for the last part.
I didn’t like thinking about it, let alone saying it out loud, but Ineededto. More for myself than Landon.
“The day of the wedding came, and as I was getting ready, I had this pit in my stomach. I couldn’t understand why and kept thinking it was wedding jitters. I was just nervous to marry the love of my life. The feeling eased when I started to walk down the aisle and saw Jared there waiting. But I knew something was up the moment I laid eyes on him.”
To this day, I could still visualize the expression on his face as I walked toward him. It wasn’t a look a man gave the woman he was about to marry. He looked ready to crawl out of his skin, and when I got closer, he wouldn’t even look me in the eye.
“The minister just barely started when Jared stopped him. He proceeded to tell everyone that he wasn’t in love with me. Because he was in love with my best friend, Becca. My maid of honor.” Next to me, Landon made a small noise, but I kept my eyes down, needing to get through the last part.
