Page 100 of Fear of Love
“I’ve already shared my past with you, Lydia. I’m not going to be the only one willing to be vulnerable.” The look in his eyes made my heart sink. When I remained silent, he closed his eyes briefly and said, “You either tell me or I’m walking out that door.” It sounded like a threat, but the hurt in his voice and expression turned it into more of a desperate plea.
Landon wasn’t known for being vulnerable but he was for me. Had been multiple times. I knew I had to tell him. That I needed to open up or he’d leave. But as I opened my mouth, I stopped. It was like my entire body was fighting against me.
I stood there, desperately urging myself to speak, but years of pain and carefully constructed walls held me back. My silence was all Landon needed.
“Figured as much.” Landon shook his head, his expression heavy with disappointment. He turned on his heel and walkedout of my apartment. It was like a knife to the chest watching him go.
“Landon!” I shouted, chasing after him into the hallway. He couldn’t leave. I caught the back of his shirt with the tips of my fingers, ignoring the sharp pain in my injured hand. “Landon.”
He stopped, only to glance back at me over his shoulder, eyes shuttered and closed off.
“Figure out what you want, Lydia.”
His shirt left my grasp as he pushed open the staircase door, clearly wanting to forego the elevator. I stood there, tears falling freely as Landon slipped away from me.
28
LYDIA
Iglared at my phone, willing it to ring. Two days passed since I last spoke to Landon. Two days since he walked away. I wish I was angry over him not calling or texting me, but I did this to myself. I really had no one else to blame.
I wanted nothing more than to contact him, but seeing as my text yesterday went unanswered, I didn’t think he’d answer. The moment he walked away, I knew I fucked up. All he asked was for me to open up and tell him about Jared and my past. Like a complete idiot, I decided not to.
My hand pulsed, but I ignored it. I did a shit job at keeping up with my meds for the pain, almost like it was penance for hurting Landon. I even had to force myself to eat, thanks to the rock in my stomach.
“Hey.” Susie, my head editor, appeared in the doorway of my office, making me jump in my chair. “Sorry.” She gave me a sheepish smile.
Pretending that I wasn’t longingly staring at my phone, I turned to face her. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to see if you had the article for the animal sanctuary. For some reason, I can’t find it,” she stated.
“Yeah, I’ll send it over to you right now.” It would give me something to do other than think about Landon. Which I’d done all day instead of actually working.
“Thanks.” She started to slip out the door before pausing. “You okay?”
“I’m all good, just busy with the upcoming issue.” I didn’t even believe the lie. “I’ll see you at the wedding, right?”
“Yeah, we’ll be there.”
After Susie left, I turned back to my computer, trying my hardest not to look at my phone for the hundredth time. Sending the animal sanctuary article over only took two seconds, and then I was back where I began.
I leaned back in my chair, letting out an audible groan. I didn’t know what to do. Everything was a major clusterfuck, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I knew I told Landon I didn’t want anyone to know we were messing around, but all I wanted was to talk to my girls, even if they gave me shit for sneaking around behind their backs.
Unable to sit any longer, I sent a text to Josie.
Lydia: Would it be okay if I came over?
Josie texted back almost instantly.
Josie: Of course. Everything okay?
Lydia: I’ll tell you when I get there.
I quickly texted Susie to tell her I was leaving, and that once everyone was finished with their work, they could leave as well. When she replied and asked why, I kept it vague. Within minutes, I had my purse and phone in hand as I hightailed it outof my office. I felt my employees eyes on me as I all but ran out of the building to my car.
The guilt I felt keeping this secret from my best friends grew tenfold as I drove toward Josie’s. Between that, and the thought of losing Landon for good, my chest feel like someone was squeezing it in their fist. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was having a heart attack.
I didn’t realize I had gotten so used to spending my days with Landon—meeting up after work, going over to the rink to watch him teach the kids to skate. It had all become part of my routine.
