Page 12 of Wild for You
“You may not think you need to depuff, but I’m here to tell you that age creeps up on you if you don’t stay on top of these things.” She pulls away from the window, sitting a little straighter as if she’s just thought of something. “Hey, Jack, where’s the bathroom? I need to pee!” Then unbuckles her seatbelt before diving into the backseat.
“What are you doing?” I wipe my sweaty palms on my shorts as I try to keep calm. “I don’t have a bathroom. This is a four-seater plane! I told you to go before we took off.”
Something small and crinkly smacks me in the face, and I’m momentarily stunned when I look down and see a tampon in my lap. “What the—”
“Damn me for choosing tampons over pads. I knew I should’ve listened to Maggie and packed an assortment of menstrual products just in case.” She’s ruffling around in the luggage, and now I’m afraid she’s looking for something to pee in.
“Do not take a piss in my plane!” I all but scream over the loud rush of wind and rain coming at us from both sides. I know I shouldn’t be worried about that at a time like this, but I just got the upholstery cleaned last week.
“So, you don’t have like a funnel or a diaper or anything?” She calls from the backseat, and I force myself to pause, taking a deep breath before I speak.
“Can you please come back up front and put on your seatbelt?” The words come out a little harsher than I hoped but polite enough considering the circumstances.
A bolt of lightning flashes, followed by a loud bang as the cabin lights flicker off for a moment. Although it’s not uncommon for planes to be struck by lightning, I’ve never had it happen to me. I check all my instruments, and when I see everything seems to be working properly, I let myself relax.It’s just a storm. There’s no need to panic.
“Hi, ATC. This is Cessna N44429 requesting the status of this storm and that you have our location on the radar,” I say in my headset.
No reply.
That’s when I notice my compass pointing east when I know we should be flying south. I make a slight adjustment to test it, and my suspicions are confirmed. “Fuck,” I hiss. “Gwen, get your ass up here and put on your seatbelt!”
I check the fuel level and see we’ve got about an hour of fuel left, which won’t be enough if we’ve veered too far off course.
“Ohh, are you dirty talking now, daddy? You know I only like being told what to do when I’m on my back.”
I shake my head, trying to rid my mind of the image my penis is sending to my brain.Do not get a boner right now, Manning. This is neither the time nor place for that kind of thinking.
My mouth goes dry as lust and fear mix in my cloudy brain.Just stay calm and go through the motions, ignore her and focus on the task at hand, I plead with myself.
“Just get your ass up here and listen while I try to figure this out.” I bark, and to my surprise, she listens, doing a front roll over the seat and kicking me in the head in the process.
“Did you see the way I stuck the landing?” She giggles, clearly impressed with herself. Then in one swift motion, she leans over, grabbing my crotch. “I’ve been dreaming of this dick all night long. What do you say to a little airhead?” She throws her head back in laughter at her pun, and my balls actually shrivel in on themselves in fear.Well, that’s a first …
I don’t have time to argue, so I just nod my head. “Yeah, you really did great.” I decide to play into the daddy-dom thing because it seems to be working. “You’re such a good girl,” I say as I grab the seatbelt and yank it across her, buckling and pulling it taut. “Now sit still, will you? I’ve got to figure out where we are.”
She gasps, slapping her hand over her mouth. “You don’t know where we are?” Her eyes are wide as saucers. “I’ve got to tell Maggie!”
Before I can say another word, she’s on the floorboard, ruffling around in search of the contraband. “Hello! Maggie! Can you hear me? It’s Gwen.”
“For fuck’s sake, that is the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do,” I snap. “Hang up the phone right this instant!”
She covers the bottom of the phone. “Jack, you’re being really annoying right now, and it feels selfish. I’ll let you borrow my phone when I’m done—”
“Give me the phone this minute.” I extend my hand, and she pretends to place it down but pulls it back at the last second. “Gwen, stop playing games and listen!”
“Gwen, stop playing games and listen,” she mimics in a whiney voice.
That’s it. I know if I want us to have any chance of actually making it to Costa Rica with enough fuel, I’ve got to take matters into my own hands. I wait until she’s distracted and looking out the window, then lunge for it. “Give me the phone!”
“Make me!” she screams back.
I’m not expecting her to have the grip strength of five grown men, and before I can get out another word, she wraps her legs around me in a chokehold. Normally, I wouldn’t mind having my face smashed forcefully between a woman’s legs, but right now, thirty thousand feet in the air isn’t the best time for this.
In our battle of wills, Gwen’s foot kicks the yoke, sending the plane in a three-sixty rotation on its side. The force is enough to distract her, and I manage to grab the phone, sitting up in a rush. I follow the turn indicator and get us back to level after almost shitting myself. I breathe out a heavy sigh of relief as I will my heart rate back down to normal. “Are you ok?” I glance at the tiny pixie woman who must’ve switched bodies with Goldberg at some point.
“You bastard, you made me break a nail.” Gwen pushes her middle finger against my nose. “Do you see this?”
The sound of the low fuel alarm blares while red and yellow lights blink on my dash. I swipe her hand away. “Can you please be normal for one fucking minute!” I pull my hair as I try to think of what to do. The plane’s gone offline, and I don’t have any connection to ATC for help, nor do I have the slightest idea of where we may be.
