Page 58 of Don't Break My Heart
“Your twelve o’clock is here.” Harley motions to me.
His smile comes to me. “Come on through, Miss Stryker.”
“Thanks for lunch, sis.” I stand and move to follow him. “You tell anybody I was here I’ll have to kill you,” I say under my breath.
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” He chuckles lightheartedly as we make our way down to his office a couple of doors down the hall.
The room isn’t cold like a normal doctor’s office. It’s warm and homely feeling, with wooden furnishings and cream walls. A fiddle leaf plant sits by the window soaking up the low light as the sun filters in.
“What can I do for you, Sloane,” he says when he finds me staring out the window.
I take a seat on the soft fabric sofa just to my side, tucking my hands under my legs. “I don’t know why I’m here,” I admit, discomfort churning inside of me.
Ricky takes a seat across from me. “Do you need a new prescription or more sleeping pills?”
“Maybe.”
His forehead creases.
I stare at him. Can I trust him? Who fucking knows anymore, but I have to trust someone. I can’t do this alone. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore, Ricky… so out of control.”
“The meds aren’t helping with the panic attacks and anxiety?” he asks, sounding more concerned.
“They might be. How can you fucking tell when your life is as fucked up as mine is?” I whisper, covering my face in my hands as the tears take over. I don’t want him to see me like this, but I can’t help it. I can’t keep it together anymore.
He hands me a tissue, and the two of us sit in silence for what feels like forever, while he waits for me to fix myself up. “When do you feel out of control the most?” he finally asks.
“I spent so long with Onyx by my side. I don’t know what to do without him. You know they fucking did this to me. My brothers. Onyx, Reef, Romeo, Orlando. All of them. I’m on edge constantly, wanting desperately to run to them for safety, but fighting it because I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. They did this to me, Ricky. They made it so I can’t live with them or without them.”
“You know the best cure for anxiety?”
“More pills?”
“Facing what scares us. Over and over again. Every time you do it, the out-of-control feelings will reduce more, until you will find you’re comfortable with the thing that scared you most.”
“Desensitization?”
“Kind of.”
“What if what scares me the most is the four men I gave my heart to?”
“Maybe you need to stop running from the pain and face them?”
Face them? Fuck, I don’t want to face them. I don’t even know how. “What if they did irreversible damage?”
“Then you need to work out how to live without them?” He says it like a question.
“I can’t live without them, it hurts too much.” Pain lodges itself in my chest as I admit my true feelings, and I heave out a breath, trying to get myself under control.
“Then you answered your own question.”
I stare back at him. That’s not the answer I wanted. Dear God, why am I talking to Ricky about them? I’m here for me, this isn’t about them. “If I wanted to work with you and try and come off the pills, is that something you can help me with?”
“Would you be open to seeing one of our therapists? She can help you work through some of the past wounds that led to the panic attacks and the anxiety. It’s not a quick fix, Sloane, but if you’re prepared to take the time, we can get you off the pills if that’s what you really want.”
“No one would have to know about this, not even my brothers?”
“What happens in these walls is just between you and our therapists.”
