Page 90 of Chasing Stars
“Oh, yeah.” Jenna rummages through the bag she has draped across her chest. I stand about four feet away, waiting. After a moment, she jingles the keys. “Got it.” She makes for the front steps, and I follow behind.
I want to make conversation, ask if she’s excited about the improvements. I want to be the way we used to be, but at the risk of coming on too strong, I can’t. The house is cold inside but clean and stripped of many of the family heirlooms that were here just two weeks ago. Traces of Jenna and her belongings are gone. It looks like any other empty shore house I might sell, but it’s not.
We venture down the hall into the kitchen. Memories from the night the ceiling caved in flood my mind, the love we made at the forefront.Before everything literally and figurativelycame crashing down. I shake the memory away and take in the improvements. The ceiling is repaired and freshly painted. The cabinets have been cleaned and refinished. There is no trace of mess anywhere.
“The cabinets look great.” I motion toward them. They are no longer that nineties faded oak, they now resemble the color of driftwood.
“Yeah, Danny knew someone.” Jenna hugs herself for warmth. She must have turned the heat off. I want so badly to reach out and touch her, but I restrain myself.
I clear my throat. “Let’s go have a look at the sunroom and the roof,” I say, gesturing toward the living room. I lead the way, passing the new TV I got her, thinking of the nights we curled up on that damn tweed couch. She trails behind me, and I wonder if she’s thinking of those nights too.
The sunroom’s drywall is new, painted a neutral gray color that many beach house owners choose. The floor is a new vinyl, designed to look like real wood, and the dated furniture is pushed back into place. “This looks great too,” I say, glancing at Jenna. Our eyes meet, and longing tugs at my heart. How easy would it be to take her in my arms and kiss away what’s broken between us?
“It does.” She looks away, pacing around the room, peering out the large windows in the backyard. This is a three-season room, now chilly with winter upon us. When she looks at me again, her eyes are glistening. “I love this room,” she says wistfully. She sniffles and wipes her nose. “I’ll be sad to leave it.”
I want to tell her that she doesn’t have to; she can stay here, but I stop myself, remembering my dad’s words. “Let’s go check out the roof,” I say, letting myself out the back door before I do something stupid like beg her to stay.
She doesn’t immediately follow me. I am on the deck surveying the new roof, shielding my eyes when I hear her come out.
“Miles,” she breathes my name. I drop my hand from my face and turn to her.
“Are you ready to talk about numbers?” I ask, trying my best to keep this business as usual.
Jenna shakes her head, wiping her eyes. The sniffle gives her away—she’s been crying in the sunroom.
I step closer to her but keep my distance. “Are you okay?” I ask, my voice husky.
Jenna hugs herself and shakes her head. “I just can’t believe I’m going to leave this all behind.”
My heart constricts.She’s really going.“You don’t have to,” I rasp, stepping toward her.
“I don’t have a reason to stay,” Jenna murmurs, staring at her feet.
I sigh, scratching at the stubble along my jaw. I want to tell her that I’m her reason to stay. I can make her happy. But I’ve done enough begging. These circles we’re going around are ridiculous. Frustration with her bubbles in my chest. “We can do this another time if you want to wait,” I offer, bypassing her and taking a seat on the deck steps.
Jenna doesn’t hesitate when she sits down next to me. A moment later, she rests her head on my shoulder, soft cries coming from her. I pat her hand, remembering how much she’s been through, swallowing my anger. “I’m sorry, Miles,” she whispers.
“Me too,” I murmur, but I don’t let myself say anything else. I don’t even put my arm around her. The ache in my chest is hammering. If I can’t have this girl, I have to get out of here.
“I miss you.” Jenna sits up, her gaze burning a hole through my face. I don’t immediately return her gaze.
“I miss you too, Jenna.” I sigh. “But you told me you can’t be with me.” I furrow my brow. Suddenly my frustration is back, and I can’t hide it. “It’s killing me seeing you like this and knowing I have something to do with it. Knowing that I lost you, and I can’t even make it better.” I growl, standing abruptly and taking her by surprise. “I’m hurt too, Jenna. I know you don’t think that, but I am. I was in love with you.”
“Was?” Jenna asks, her expression clouding to something unreadable.
I shrug and drop my hands. “What do you want me to say? I’ve done enough begging.”
Jenna stands up and meets my eyes, frowning. “Say…” She hesitates. “That you’ll still be in my life. I can’t lose you as a friend.”
I open my mouth to tell her I don’t want to just be her friend, I want to be her everything, but I close it. “Fine. We’re friends, okay?”
Jenna lets out a shuddering breath, nodding. She sniffles and wipes her nose on the back of her sleeve. “Okay.”
“Listen, I have another appointment. I have to go.” I rake my hands through my hair. I can’t imagine what it looks like. “Call me or Nate when you’re ready to talk about listing it.” I don’t wait for a reply. I stalk around the side of the house and get in my car, zooming around the corner before she even makes it around the front. Then, I pull over to catch my breath, surprised at the tears I feel pricking the back of my eyes.I am so in love with her.I let myself feel all of the pent-up emotions bubbling to the surface.
Then I man up and head back to my office. It’s time to get her back.
45
