Page 78 of Chasing Stars
When he finally does, I get dressed and try to bring myself back to life in the bathroom. My eyes are puffy and bloodshot from all of the crying I did yesterday. Dark circles have settled under my eyes, showing my exhaustion. My face is blotchy, my expression weary, and remnants of yesterday’s sorrow linger onmy features. I do my best to cover it up and put on a happy face for Joy, my only friend here.
Half an hour later, I’m walking up to the coffee shop to meet Joy, feeling moderately better. That is until I see the melancholy on her face as she leans against the brick building, waiting for me.
“Joy, what’s the matter?” I rush to her side. “You look awful.”
Joy takes my hand in hers and leads me to a bench. A shiver runs through me—I’m suddenly afraid of what she’s about to say. “Let’s sit down,” she says cautiously. “How are you? Have you talked to Miles?” She chews on her lip.
I frown. “Actually, there’s so much more to the Miles story than Erin coming back to town.” I exhale deeply. “I was going to fill you in over brunch but…”
Joy looks at me expectantly. “Don’t hold back on me now, Jenna,” she retorts.
“Well, okay. I don’t have a huge appetite anyway,” I mumble. I suck in a sharp breath and let it out forcefully. “Last night I learned that my dad died performing a rescue—Miles was the boy. Back in 1997. He collapsed on the beach right after.”
Joy’s jaw hangs open. “No shit,” she murmurs. “Did Miles tell you that?”
The question triggers me, and my eyes well up with tears. I shake my head and Joy puts her arm around me. “When I left the store, he still hadn’t called me back. I decided to go to my house and take a shower to get ready for my dinner with my aunt.” I sniffle and reach in my pocket for a tissue.
Joy nods. “Okay, go on,” she urges.
Everything spills out at once. I tell her how I kept peeking out of the shower to see if my phone was lighting up, and how I worried while I dried my hair, and chose an outfit. Finally, I tell her about finding the photos and the article.
“I hope you confronted his lying ass,” Joy cuts in sharply.
I wipe my eyes and nod. “Well, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt at first, so I drove over and asked him about it. But he hesitated when he answered, and that’s when I knew he had been keeping it from me.” A new round of tears starts to fall.
“Oh, sweetie,” Joy squeezes me, and I rest my head on her shoulder, grateful for the physical contact.
“Then it occurred to me that he was at his condo all alone, so why hadn’t he called me? He said he wassleeping,” I say incredulously. “Can you even believe that?”
Joy pushes her lips together in a tight line and the expression reminds me that when I walked up, she looked upset. “Actually, I think I can,” she mumbles.
When I look at her expectantly, she caves.
“I saw Miles this morning,” she says carefully. “He wasn’t alone.”
My heart hammers in my chest and I suck in a breath, meeting her eyes. “Okay. Was he with Erin?”
Joy nods sadly, pushing her lips together. “I only saw them as they were saying goodbye.” She pauses. “But they hugged for a long time and held hands.” Joy’s face crumbles. “I’m so sorry. I wanted so badly to believe he changed.”
I shrug and suck in a cleansing breath. “You know what? It’s okay. Knowing that makes me feel a little better.” I look down at my tightly clenched fists and slowly open my hands, nodding to myself. I glance up at Joy. “At least, if he gets back together with his ex-wife, it makes his lying to me okay, in some twisted way. Like we weren’t meant to be anyway. Does that make sense?”
Joy gives me a grim smile and solemnly nods. “It does, I think.” She stands up and offers me her hand. “Come on, let’s get some brunch. Carbs make everything better.”
“You can say that again,” I agree, following her inside.
For the first time in twenty-four hours, I feel like I might be okay.
40
MILES
Ispend all of Sunday surfing. I don’t know what else to do to take my mind off Jenna and how much I royally fucked everything up. The ocean used to be my place of solace, where I’d go to clear my head. But since I’ve shared it with Jenna, I can’t do that anymore. It’s too painful; memories of her bobbing on her board, smiling over at me, her expression open and trusting. She trusted me to teach her how to surf and to keep her safe and she trusted me with her heart, and I let her down. Floating on my board before riding the next big wave is no longer soothing but tainted by the fear that I’ve lost Jenna forever.
“I’m so stupid,” I mutter to myself.
That doesn’t stop me from trying though. I surf for hours in the icy waves, chasing that rush of adrenaline—feeling momentarily better when I catch it. Time and time again, my ocean and my beach have been there for me. When I’m pissed off or sad, I come here, and I fight it out with Mother Nature. A knock down, drag out reckoning of my own creation.
The sky turns pink and purple as dusk approaches. I glance at my watch, wanting to catch the first stars tonight, but my bodyis depleted. The cold November air and the havoc I just wreaked on my body causes convulsions as I hurriedly throw a towel around my shoulders. So much for seeing the stars tonight. I tuck my board under my arm and head toward my car. I’m stepping out of my wet suit and into some sweatpants when my phone buzzes. I tried to forget my phone—and the fact Jenna hadn’t responded to any of my messages while I was surfing. Most of this is of my own doing, I know that. Keeping that secret from Jenna—and then her finding out after seeing Erin at my front door—that’s all on me. I hate myself for hurting her. I just hope I didn’t ruin things with us forever
