Page 98 of What If I Hate You
Scarlett just texted me “watch tape” and sent me a video labeled “HOW TO TRIGGER A TSUNAMI.” Bro.
August
My Fitbit thinks I’m training for a triathlon. It just asked if I want to sync with MyFitnessPal. I’M JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE. I mean I like sex. A lot of sex but this? Bruh, I’m tired.
Bodhi
Corrigan brought a pulse oximeter to bed the other night. Said we’re tracking “performance vitals.”
Griffin
Layken gave me a pep talk like I’m her starting quarterback. “Make eye contact. Be confident. Adjust for turbulence.” WTF does that MEAN? Turbulence??
Ledger
Marlee put her HAIR UP mid-round and said, “Let’s go for the hat trick.” First of all, where the hell did my woman find all this sexual energy and secondly, why do I feel like I’m being coached through a BATTLEFIELD SIMULATOR?
Me
You’re all just mad I hit legendary status first.
Oliver
Legendary? Bro I’ve iced my groin TWICE today. You’re not a legend. You’re a menace.
Harrison
Just say you’re all jealous I sleep alone and my thighs don’t cramp.
Griffin
Layken asked me last night if we could “turn on the NHL network for ambiance.” I CAN’T EVEN HEAR THE PUCK OVER MY PTSD now.
August
Barrett, next time you unlock a girl like a sex cheat code, keep it to yourself. Some of us like living.
Me
LOL!
Ledger
You guys, Marlee keeps winking at me. WINKING. Like I’m her favorite employee. But now I kind of want to quit this job.
Bodhi
I just want missionary with the lights off again. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK??
Oliver
If I die in bed, tell Scarlett I loved her. But also tell her I’m haunting Barrett.
BLAKELY
Corrigan
How’d the guys look during morning skate? Because Bodhi walked out of here this morning walking like a baby giraffe.
