Page 125 of Play Me
“Ask me whatever you want,” I say. “You’re in control.”
“I don’t even have enough information to ask a pointed question.”
“Should I start from the beginning?”
“Yeah,” she says, the word barely a whisper.
Here we go …
I take a deep breath. “I broke up with Caroline about two and a half years ago. We’d been dating for a while, a couple of years at most. I wouldn’t say we were serious, really, because I never had any intentions on marrying her or being with her long term. But she was the closest thing to a serious girlfriend that I’d ever had.”
Astrid nods slowly, taking in the information I’m sharing with her.
“At some point, Caroline became hooked on drugs,” I say. “Before I realized what was happening, it got really ugly. I should’ve seen it earlier. There were signs and I missed them.”
She shifts on the bed, squaring her shoulders with mine. It’s a good sign, I think, so I keep going.
“We fought a lot about it, and I ended up breaking up with her. She’d gotten kicked out of her apartment and had been staying with me. But, when we broke up, she went to livewith Liza, her sister. A part of me thought that if she changed environments and was with her family that she’d be better off. Maybe something about me or the traveling for the team or … something were making her problem worse. Maybe she could get help somewhere else.”
I sigh, the words sounding like they’re coming from someone else—and I wish that were true.
“What happened to her, Gray?”
“It was a few days before New Year’s, and Caroline insisted on flying up to Denver from Texas where their family was spending the holidays. I told her no—created a firm boundary and held to it. I made sure she was safe, and then stopped answering her calls. But she and Liza flew up anyway, and rented a car, and tried to drive to my apartment in a snowstorm.” My stomach twists, squeezing so hard that I grimace. “A semi-truck lost control and crashed into them, killing Caroline and almost Liza.”
Astrid gasps, covering her mouth.
“I blamed myself,” I say, wiping my nose. “Because I could’ve just answered the phone when she called that night. I should’ve. I was unfairly cold to Caroline, and I didn’t have to be. If I hadn’t, then maybe she’d still be with her family.”
She touches my arm as if she’s in shock. “I am so sorry. That’s … horrible.”
“It wasn’t fun. The last time I talked to her family before today was when her father threw me out of Caroline’s funeral. He sucker punched me in the face and I just stood there cried like a baby.”
“Oh, Gray …” She presses a quick kiss to my shoulder. “When did you get the letter?”
“Brooks gave it to me before we left Sugar Creek. Joe saw Brooks at the gas station and gave it to him to bring to me.”
Her brows pull together. “Why did Joe have it?”
“Because he ran the blind trust I set up to pay for Liza’s rehab care. I wanted it to be anonymous. I didn’t know if she’d accept my help and I had to do something.”
Astrid gets up, pacing around her room. I sit and wait, because there’s nothing else that I can do. I’m at her mercy. My heart is in her hands.
Finally, after a few minutes, she stops.
“Why did you lie to me about where you were going?” she asks, the pain I haven’t seen in a long time back in her eyes.
What did I tell her this morning? An emergency?I panicked and was overwhelmed, plucking a reason out the air and figuring I’d explain later.
“If you’d shared this with me, I would’ve supported you, Gray. I would’ve wanted to be there for you. Instead, I’m fighting this internal battle between kicking you out and kissing you and it’s fucking with my head.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You lied to me. You told me I was safe with you, and then you made me question that.”
She takes a deep breath, and I can practically see the way she collects herself playing across her features. Even hurt, she’s beautiful. Everything I’ve ever wanted.
“You’re right. I lied to you,” I say. “I was impulsive and terrified, if I’m being honest. I didn’t know what I was walking into, only that I had to do it. Because when Caroline died, Liza blamed me. They all did. That destroyed me in a way that I can’t describe. It reminded me that they were the third and fourth people I’ve hurt while putting my career first.” I gulp, squeezing my eyes closed as images of my parents flash to the forefront. “I had to find closure, Astrid.” I open my eyes and find her gaze. “Being with you lately? It’s fucked with my head. Maybe this isn’t the right time or place to tell you this, but when we’re together, I can see us together. Likereally together.”
