Page 55 of Paint Eater
They stood there stiffly for a few moments, Jay staring at the tense line of Logan’s back as the pressure of the silence between them grew too large to take.
“I know it’s a douche move to just come over like this, okay, but you know what’s more of a douche move? Just fuckingghostingme with no explanation as to why!”
Logan turned around, face hard, but Jay wasn’t done.
“I know that we’ve been fucking and maybe things have gotten a little complicated, but I thought we were friends.” Jay felt his cheeks flush as the last word cracked in his mouth.
Logan’s expression shifted, turning guilty for a moment, but he didn’t say anything.
Jay sighed. “Look. If you wanna just not see me anymore or be my friend, I get it.” Jay paused for a moment before shaking his head. “Actually, no, Idon’tget it, like…I thought. I mean, I like you. I just do, I’m sorry, I really like you, and hate that you’re not talking to me, and if you don’t, then okay but, like. Can you just tell me to my face?”
Logan’s face had crumpled at Jay’s confession, and he was now looking away, staring at a point on the wall as if he couldn’t take any more from Jay. The silence stretched on for so long that Jay thought he’d just have to leave without an explanation or any sort of closure, but then Logan turned towards him again, not quite looking at him but close enough.
“My parents don’t…like that I’m seeing you.”
Jay gaped for a moment. “Your mom doesn’t like me?”
Logan laughed, unnaturally loud and bitter. “No, but you shouldn’t take it personally. She doesn’t really like a lot of people.”
“Oh.” Jay thought about what he would do if his mom didn’t like Logan and still couldn’t quite understand why Logan had just stopped talking to him. “Okay. I mean, that sucks, but…is it that big of a deal?”
Logan closed his eyes. “Right. ’Cause I’m twenty years old and can do whatever I want, right? Just leave, just sayno,just—”
“Whoa, whoa. That’s not what I’m saying.” Jay raised his hands, troubled at how agitated Logan had suddenly become.
“You just don’tgetit. You don’t—your mom just…lovesyou. She just—you don’t know what it’s like. I can’tescape. My life has always been what she wants,always, and then you come along and how am I supposed to just…break away from that? Just because there’s somethingIfinally want? I can’t. I just can’t.”
Jay took a step closer, a pulse thundering in his neck, his whole body a tense shock of pain at the desperation in Logan’s voice. “It’s okay. Logan, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to get you into trouble.”
Logan took a shaky breath and then finally looked at Jay, voice splitting open, a small, scared thing. “I don’t know what to do.”
Jay couldn’t resist any longer, taking the two remaining steps and wrapping Logan in his arms, clutching him tightly as if this move alone could keep Logan from crumbling.
Logan didn’t cry, quite, but he held Jay in an iron grip, breaths wet and hitching, a tremble going through him every now and again.
Jay stroked the back of his head before cradling it gently. “I’m not going to ask for anything you can’t give me, Logan. I get it. If you can’t see me…” Jay swallowed past the hurt. “I get it.”
They stood there for a long time, a tangle of aching muscles and clutching bones.
“I’m sorry,” Logan said eventually.
Jay shook his head. “I get it.”
There was another moment of silence. “I know this is…I’m going to Boston at the start of August for a week for some work experience thing. My aunt has an apartment there, she’s in Peru or something, so I’ll have the place to myself.”
“Okay,” Jay said slowly, guessing what Logan was implying but not understanding it in the context of the conversation they’d just had.
“You don’t have to come with me. Obviously. But if you wanted to. Just for. It’s just for a week. I know what I just said about my mom, but…”
Logan didn’t go on, but Jay understood what he was saying. That he couldn’t give Jay more—not true friendship, let alone anything more committed, but they could have one more week in Boston, away from the eyes in New York.
Jay knew it was a bad idea. If he left now, it could be a clean break. And it was ridiculous, that Jay had grown so attached in just a few weeks, but he couldn’t help the hooks that Logan had harpooned into him, wouldn’t be able to remove them without pain and force.
“Okay,” Jay said softly, unable to regret it. He knew it was going to hurt, but that had never really stopped Jay. If he could have one more week with Logan, he would take it. A final goodbye.
Logan clutched him tighter, and Jay soothed a hand down his back, wondering who Logan would be able to be this vulnerable with after they finally parted.
**********
