Page 13 of Paint Eater
“Okay, then. What’s up?”
“I can’t have any distractions,” Logan said after a long pause.
Jay frowned in confusion. “Distractions from what?”
“Life.”
Jay almost laughed until he saw that Logan was completely serious.
A strange chill went through him, at how sure Logan’s face was. Not because Jay wanted more—although, obviously, he did—but at the fact that a twenty-year-old would say something like that with such strange conviction. Wanting to sleep around in college, he understood. Not wanting to settle down, wanting to have fun, not wanting Jay specifically, sure. But…
“Relationships aren’t life?” Jay questioned, baffled.
Logan looked away, but Jay could see the hinge of his jaw clenching. “Jay, I just don’t want a relationship, okay?”
Jay put his hands up. “Dude, I’m not trying to convince you! Like, that’s totally creepy. I just wanted to know. But that’s cool,” he said placatingly.
There was a long pause during which Jay was wondering if he’d messed up, when Logan said, “Not that…I mean, if you wanted to fuck, or whatever. That’d be cool.”
If this had been a few weeks ago, if Jay hadn’t already seen Logan blush, seen how awkward he could get, how his surliness might be a mask for something far more vulnerable, he might have taken Logan’s tone as ambivalent. As things stood, however, Jay could tell that just extending the offer of this much was costing Logan.
“I mean…yeah! For sure. One hundred percent into that idea.” Jay grinned.
Logan scoffed, but his shoulders loosened as he glanced at Jay.
“So…that mean I can blow you?” Jay teased.
Logan blinked for a moment, mouth hanging open, and Jay couldn’t help but laugh.
“Fuck off,” Logan muttered, catching on that Jay had said it to embarrass him, but the question had served its purpose—the tension had broken. Jay could spot the slight twitch of Logan’s lips as he started the car.
As they pulled away from the curb, Jay had to admit to himself that he was disappointed. He definitely wanted to fuck Logan, but he wanted a lot more than that, too. Even more than the fucking, maybe. The fact that sex wasn’t a ‘distraction’ to Logan meant that it would just be a fun diversion, not something he’d put emotional energy into.
Jay, on the other hand, expended emotional energy on almost everything he did. It was just the way he was. He cared for things, had a gnawing desire to beliked.
But Logan wouldn’t hang out with Jay if he didn’t like him, right? At least a little. Not enough to distract him, but enough to…to be friends, maybe?
Fuck.He closed his eyes before staring out the car window. Jay knew he’d just gotten himself into something it would be hard to get out of intact.
Even that, though, wasn’t enough to stop him.
CHAPTER FIVE
JAY
Jay knew New York was not a place everybody could love. Not a placemostpeople could love. Not because it was loud and crowded and full of people—that was Manhattan, mostly, and even in that borough, there were neighbourhoods that slowed down.
The thing that chipped away at people about New York was that it never gave you anything for free. Everything you had in New York was hard-earned, was exhausting to achieve. There was something about that which Jay liked. That bone-deep satisfaction of having something you’d had to work tooth and nail for.
Every city had its own personality, and New York’s was louder than most. You either got along with it, or you’d get talked over. More than anything, though, it wasalive.Jay had almost forgotten, or at least had neglected, to think about that in a long time. His adventures with Logan through the city, though, helped him remember.
Graffiti was the heritage of black people. From Cornbread tagging his city with his name to Phase 2 inventing bubble writing. Now, there was street art, a domesticated version of a wild beast that still roamed the streets if you knew how to find it—and Jay was good at looking for it. He’d always done it alone, and that had been good. With Logan, it was even better. The pleasure of a shared secret.
Days were filled with work, and home, and heat. Heat in the asphalt and the air, in the glances Jay caught Logan throwing him. It was surreal, sometimes, to see that look directed at Jay of all people, but it made the summer sun shine brighter, scalding his skin.
They were sweaty and tired at the end of the day. They hadn’t seen each other for four days after the kiss—not because things had been awkward, Jay didn’t think, but because they’d been busy withlife, as Logan would no doubt put it.
“The hell are we going?” Logan asked, but there was no bite to the question as they climbed up a rickety staircase.
