Page 35 of All That Has Flown Beyond
“Yes. Or…”
“Yes?”
“I mean. Okay. I guess we’ve talked about coping mechanisms before, and…what you said is that coping mechanisms are there to help regulate an emotion, right? Like, not get rid of it completely, necessarily, but, just…stop it from growing, or slowing it down or whatever. And…I don’t know. Yeah. Working helps but…I don’t know if it’s actually, like…helping me with the emotion.”
“Can you expand on that a little?”
“Well. As soon as I stop, it’s there. Like, whatever I do, it never feels like it’s enough, and then when I stop, it’s almost worse? It’s almost like I’m masking it. Like I’m damming it, you know, like I construct a dam, but the moment I stop, it breaks and there’s a sort of flood.”
“That was very well put. It coincides with what we know about emotions. There are many types of coping mechanisms. Some—and these are the kinds people usually find on their own—simply distract or, as you said, mask the emotion. For example, avoidance of anxiety-producing situations, things which distract you from thinking or being with the emotion but don’t help you acknowledge it, or things like narcotics. These can be effective in the moment in terms of not feeling the emotion, but they don’t actually give you the skill todealwith the emotion, which makes it more prone to come back and escalate more quickly. Does that fit with what you’ve been feeling?”
“Yeah. Yeah. It’s kind of like I’m addicted to working.”
“A bit like it’s controlling you more than you’re controlling it?”
“Yeah. Exactly. I just…I don’t know what to do, because I don’t want to stop working. It makes me feel productive. It’s like…the only thing worse than working this much is not working this much. It’s a bit fucked up.”
“Well, these things are not easy. I guess we have to find a compromise. Find a balance so that you are giving what you can, but you are receiving equally.”
“Okay. How do I do that?”
“Well. Doyouhave any ideas?”
Kaiyo gave himself time to think about it. These were questions he had already been asking himself.
“I think my biggest problem is that I feel guilty when I stop working. I need to, like…chill.”
“Okay. How can we get to a point where we can chill?”
“I don’t know. It’s in my head.”
“So, it’s how you think about things that’s affecting you. Your perception of the situation.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. How about this. Right now, it seems that becoming a successful shaman is your number one priority. Am I right?”
“Yeah.”
“This means that what you are willing to sacrifice is off the charts. Firstly, to achieve that goal and, secondly, to avoid any anxiety that may be produced byperceivingthat you are not reaching that goal. Does that sound about right?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. So, let’s look at the goal. Become a shaman. Do you think we can alter how much it means to you?”
“No. Not really.”
“No, that would be very difficult. So, how about we bring up another goal. Self-care. Good mental health. What if we held up that goal alongside the other? Decided, ‘Hey, that’s important too, so my behaviour should feed both these goals’.”
“Well…I mean. In theory, yeah. But, it’s hard to just…force myself to care.”
“Yes. In the moment, absolutely. But, remember that your body works in patterns and cycles. The more you work towards a goal, the more important it can become. The more important it becomes, the more you will work towards the goal, and so on. So, instead of throwing yourself at each day and letting your anxiety guide you, how about we plan it in advance with these two goals in mind.”
“Okay. Like, how?”
“We look at how long you can work in one sitting comfortably. We choose very specific breaks that regulate you emotionally and actually feel restful. We set a clear working goal for the day and have again, a very specific reward to wrap up the working day. And then we sort of approach rest like work, if that doesn’t sound too ridiculous. In other words, if you’re relaxing you’re not ‘wasting time’, because it serves a very specific purpose: to fulfil your self-care, good mental health goal. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah. Okay, yeah. I think that last bit especially, like—that’s exactly it. I feel like I’m wasting time when I’m not working. I need to, like…yeah. Make rest feel productive. God, am I fucked up? How the hell did I go from not getting out of bed to this?”
