Page 34 of All That Has Flown Beyond
“The pebble will fall to the floor.”
Akiko let go of the pebble and caught it again.
“Oh my God…”
“If I let go of this pebble, what will happen?” Akiko asked.
“Urgh. You’re cheating.”
“How can I cheat if there are no rules to the game?”
“Fine. Let’s make rules, then.”
“No.”
“Urgh…you’ll catch the pebble.”
The pebble fell on the floor.
“You’re just doing what I…” Kaiyo trailed off. Akiko’s eyes twinkled. She picked up the pebble, returning her closed fist to position.
“If I let go of this pebble, what will happen?” she asked.
Kaiyo got up, collecting a paper and pen before sitting down again.You’ll catch it, he wrote, making sure Akiko couldn’t see the words or the tilt of his pen. He nodded to her, waving the folded piece of paper. She smiled, dropped the pebble. It fell to the floor.
Kaiyo opened his mouth to protest but then simply shut it again.
“If I let go of this pebble, what will happen?” Akiko asked again. Kaiyo wrote the answer.
Akiko dropped the pebble, catching it once more. Kaiyo grinned widely, unfolding the paper to reveal the words,you’ll catch it.
“Very good. You tried to gather information too, which I commend you for. But this will be useless if you do not understand how you yourself affect the world and the information you gather from it. You must step back and look at the world objectively in order to collect reliable information. What you search for, and what you do with that information, is another matter entirely, but be humble in your search. Be understanding of yourself. Be self-aware.”
Kaiyo thought of Claudia, of distorted perspectives, and the way he looked into his own future.
He nodded at Akiko. He was starting to understand.
**********
Kaiyo became consumed by his apprenticeship.
Every morning the wheel and axle of his body had to be forced into movement. Once it started, however, its momentum was unstoppable.
From morning until night, all he did was study and practice. He’d miss meals if his mom didn’t remind him. He started missing therapy sessions. At night, he couldn’t sleep, feeling as if there was more he should have done.
“I’m guessing you’ve been studying the balance of Ousía. Am I right?” Claudia asked him when he went to therapy.
“Yeah.”
“Okay. That can inform how we can look at this situation. Does the amount of work you’re doing feel balanced?”
“I…no, but. I need it. I-I don’t know how to explain it.”
“What would happen if you stopped?”
“I’d feel…bad. Not sad, exactly, but, like…anxious, I guess.”
“Okay. Would it be accurate to say that working helps you regulate your anxiety?”
