Page 14 of All That Has Flown Beyond
“You can. You have to. Go, Kaiyo. Move on.”
Words clogged Kaiyo’s throat. The obstructing curve of a P, the sharp edges of an L. They scraped up until nothing could come out at all.
Kaiyo just watched Emil walk away.
**********
The idea of kissing Ahmik hadn’t tortured Kaiyo when he was fifteen. He would think about it sometimes, when their exhausted bodies shared heat beneath the bedsheets, or when Ahmik would turn to him and Kaiyo could see that deep, watchful look in his eyes.
He didn’t think much about it, because Ahmik was his. Not like a possession but like an inevitability. Like time and death and growth. It had always been, and it would always be.
He didn’t think much about kissing Ahmik. He just did it.
The pack house was silent with sleep. The moon shivered in the sky, at the edge of fullness. Kaiyo had learnt to feel the moonlight in the air. To smell it and hear its call, even if he couldn’t follow.
Kaiyo listened to the forest. To Ahmik beside him. Kaiyo could feel his warmth. It was as familiar as his own skin. He turned to look at Ahmik. He could see the weight of loss on his face, but there was peace in the moonlit moment.
Ahmik turned to look back at him. There was a slight bump on the bridge of his nose. His hair was growing long, pushed haphazardly to the side. His eyes were green, silver, black in the dark.
Kaiyo simply knew.
He leaned forward, tilting his head slightly like they did in the movies. Ahmik seemed frozen in place, eyes wide before Kaiyo closed his own and could see nothing but touch. Ahmik’s lips were werewolf soft. They gave way like pillows to Kaiyo’s touch.
It was strange that such a simple press could have Kaiyo’s heart racing, but he could feel the suggestion of moisture, the slight gasp of breath, the possibility of entry.This is Ahmik’s mouth, he thought, and a thrill went through him.
Kaiyo pulled away. Ahmik’s eyes had closed too, and now they fluttered open like dragonfly wings. They stared into Kaiyo’s eyes before slipping down to Kaiyo’s lips. They stuttered to a stop there, as if they couldn’t help themselves. As if they were remembering the slight heat, the soft slide.
Slowly, Kaiyo leaned in again. His head was nothing but the rush of blood. Their lips touched and started moving, the trembling legs of newborn fawns. An awkward press, a sudden wetness. Kaiyo pulled away in surprise, back closer in curiosity.
There were so many parts to them. Their lips, the teeth that clinked if they pressed forward too suddenly. Then, tongues, the strange, wet movement of them. The sudden intimacy they brought, a dizzy spell that had Kaiyo clutching at Ahmik’s shirt. Kaiyo had forgotten about the rest of his body until then, and it suddenly made itself known. A tightness in the pit of his stomach, a racing in his veins, a straining of his lungs, a clenching of his fingers.
It was Ahmik, Ahmik, Ahmik in the moonlight.
When they pulled away again, their breaths raced out of them. Ahmik’s cheeks were flushed, and Kaiyo’s lips curled into a smile.
“That wasn’t too bad,” Kaiyo teased, biting his bottom lip. He could feel the gloss of Ahmik’s tongue still there.
“Oh, thanks,” Ahmik replied sarcastically, but his eyes were watching Kaiyo’s lips again.
“Well, let’s try again.”
The next kiss was no more coordinated than the last. Wet and full until it was like going with the swell of the sea. Kaiyo felt Ahmik’s hands rise to clutch at him, pulling him close until it was lips and bodies too, dripping the sticky honey of arousal all over Kaiyo’s bones until he could hardly move from it, until it was all he could taste.
When they parted for the last time, the night was different around them. The moon was brighter, hazing over the world at its edges. Kaiyo pressed his forehead against Ahmik’s shoulder and breathed. He closed his eyes and listened to Ahmik’s breaths slow down, his body calm as the swell of the tide receded.
They sat there for a while, pressed close.
“Now when girls ask you out, you can tell them you have a boyfriend.” Kaiyo’s voice was quiet but sure. Ahmik’s hand on Kaiyo’s back pressed him a little closer.
“Okay.”
It had been as simple as that.
**********
Kaiyo let his body walk blindly down the path he’d been set. He watched it go to class, go out with friends. Watched its face pull up into a smile and words come out of his mouth in order, theplop, plop, plopof them.
He ate enough to keep weight on. He would eat untoasted bagels and cold cans of soup. He couldn’t be bothered with the wait inherent in boiling water for ramen. Nothing tasted of anything recognizable anyway.
