Page 15 of All That Has Flown Beyond
Nights were a bruise that had become numb from overpressing. He watched the purple, green, yellow of his dark room until morning came, and he had to drag himself through another day.
On the weekends, he would follow the people he hung out with out into clubs. He’d sleep with anybody who showed interest. Every encounter made him sick to his stomach. The feeling of their foreign hands on his body made his skin itch, made him want to crawl out of it. It made his head go blank and quiet and ill.
It didn’t matter. The single, white moment of amnesia that swelled with orgasm was all he needed.
After each fuck he would go home and stand in the shower, wishing he could scrub right through his skin and to all the rotten uselessness underneath.
The school year drifted past him like a ship in the night.
He stayed in the dorms as long as he could after classes ended. He would sweat under a sheet in the summer heat. Would let his body suffer so his soul could have some respite.
During his last days before returning home, he stuffed himself with food, binging for more than an hour until he felt sick. He would lie out in the sun the rest of the time, tanning his mask, fixing it up to survive his mother’s scrutiny. He pressed it against his cheeks as he flew back, hoping his uncaring eyes didn’t peer through.
It worked. He’d prepared a list of anecdotes to tell during dinner. He pulled at his lips until they smiled. He animated his corpse and made it dance around the kitchen, helping his mom with the dishes.
Luckily for Kaiyo, his mom had a nurse’s schedule and was away from home or catching up on sleep more often than not. Kaiyo would stay inside the house, lying on the couch and pretending to watch TV. Nothing managed to keep his attention. Anything he tried concentrating on turned to liquid and slipped right from his grasp.
During one dinner, Kaiyo’s mom slipped up and mentioned that Thea and Emil had just had a child. Kaiyo had blinked, his coyote legs running off the cliff and circling for a while, looking around in confusion before he realized he had no other choice but to fall straight down.
Kaiyo could see the instant regret on his mom’s face. He wondered what else she had been keeping from him.
“What’s her name?” he asked.
“Isla,” Adeline replied, looking at Kaiyo with concern. Kaiyo tried to feel something apart from a strange, sensory pain.
“Okay,” he said simply.
There was no point in more. It was clear he would never manifest. That he would never be a shaman. Would never be part of a pack.
He let the truth of it sink in, stretching forwards for the rest of his life.
CHAPTER THREE
He parked the car in the cinema parking lot. He was supposed to be buying groceries for his mom, but the siren call of the multiplex had led him to be shipwrecked at its shore.
When Kaiyo and Ahmik had first gotten together, Kaiyo’s slightly younger age had cast him as the one who needed to be taken care of, as if Ahmik had forgotten what Kaiyo was like. They had been low on adult supervision, and Kaiyo had thought they’d be free to do anything they wanted. Ahmik had other ideas.
They had known each other their whole lives, but Ahmik was suddenly cautious. Their interactions wouldn’t go beyond kisses, and Ahmik insisted they go on dates as if they didn’t know each other inside and out.
Their first date had been a movie-and-dinner cliché. Ahmik had dressed up and picked Kaiyo up from his house, looking almost nervous. Kaiyo had raised his eyebrows in amusement but refrained from commenting, choosing to be merciful.
At the cinema, Ahmik had insisted on paying for the tickets, but Kaiyo had strong-armed him into letting him buy the snacks. He’d held Ahmik’s hand in the line for the popcorn, and Ahmik had blushed, staring straight ahead. Kaiyo had managed not to laugh.
They’d watched the movieTwister. Kaiyo tried not to get distracted by Ahmik’s glances.
“What?” he had to whisper eventually, turning to catch Ahmik’s look.
“What?” Ahmik had whispered back. Kaiyo had rolled his eyes, curling his hand around Ahmik’s again. The werewolf had settled, and they’d watched the rest of the film in silence.
Ahmik had taken them to a nearby diner for dinner, buying them burgers with a double helping of fries. Kaiyo let him pay. Ahmik had his family’s inheritance after all, and Kaiyo didn’t feel up to the fight.
“Chasing after tornadoes would be such a cool job. Can you imagine?” Kaiyo said, stuffing a few fries into his mouth.
“You would think that,” Ahmik deadpanned.
“What? You don’t?”
“No, why would I want to spend my time running after tornadoes?”
