Page 94 of In This Iron Ground
“He should have asked,” Hakan said lowly, a growl reverberating from his chest.
“It was fine. He didn’t mean—”
“I don’t care what he meant. It wasn’t fine. He should have asked.” His eyes looked fierce in anger. Damien couldn’t help but smile a little. Damien leaned forwards, placing a soft kiss on Hakan’s jaw. Hakan’s growl ended abruptly. This time, Damien really did smile.
He rubbed at his itchy eyes, jolting when Hakan moved to get up. Damien tightened the arm around him instinctively before letting go.
“Sorry, you were doing a project, weren’t you? You probably need to go.” Damien tucked his arms against himself.
“Damien, I’m not going anywhere until you kick me out. I’m going to get some tissues.”
“Oh. Okay.” Damien closed his eyes as Hakan pressed a kiss to Damien’s forehead before getting off the bed.
He took his shoes off and disappeared into the bathroom. When he came back, it was with a roll of toilet paper and a damp towel in hand. He placed the towel on the bedside table before winding some of the toilet paper around one hand. He pulled, snapping off the section. He sat on the edge of the bed and placed the tissue lightly over Damien’s nose.
“Blow,” Hakan said.
Damien frowned. “I can do that myself.”
“I know. But…let me look after you, okay? Blow.”
Damien blew. When he was done, Hakan set the tissue aside and picked up the towel.
“Close your eyes,” he said softly. Damien closed his eyes. The towel was cool and damp as Hakan ran it lightly over the skin of Damien’s face. Over the vulnerable, bruised underside of his eyes. Over the aching eyelids. His salty mouth.
It was ridiculous, really, seeing what the people in Damien’s life had done for him. How they had saved his life, given him a home, taken care of him. But that moment there. His eyes closed. Hakan next to him, wiping his face from the remnant of tears.
It was the most quietly, beautifully caring thing anyone had ever done for him.
Without being able to help it, Damien started crying again. Soft, cracked sobs that had Hakan wrapped around him again. That time the tears left a pure, clean pain.
Hakan repeated the ritual a second time. When he pressed the damp towel against Damien’s face, the action quieted everything inside Damien. He let Hakan change him into soft PJs. Let himself be tucked under the covers next to Hakan, who was in just a T-shirt and boxers now. Let himself be held.
He let himself fall asleep in Hakan’s arms.
**********
That night became a landmark for change.
Damien gave into sleeping with Hakan. Actual, literal sleep, warm and safe in Hakan’s bed. He wasn’t cured of his nightmares by it, but Hakan learnt how to react. How to let him go and then welcome him back without questions.
Damien gave up on sleeping with other people. He found he had to psych himself up, and the whole process felt fruitless and unnecessary.
Damien started dividing his time between study, friends, and Hakan, actually going out with the latter instead of only hanging out at home.
He knew exactly what it looked like. He knew the danger he was in. But Damien had lost the will to fight something so good anymore.
**********
“What are you doing?” Damien asked sleepily, squirming underneath the sheets as Hakan trailed his fingers down his side.
“You’re soft here.”
“It tickles,” Damien protested. Hakan poked him between the ribs before moving his fingertips there. Damien barked a laugh, turning around to hit Hakan on the chest.
“No nonconsensual tickling!” Damien admonished through a smile. Hakan snorted, kissing Damien on the nose.
“I saw a documentary on nonconsensual tickling the other day,” Hakan said.
